Trafika Europe 2 - Polish Nocturne
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131

its solemnity; words divest you of the energy needed to

move from thought to action. In the end, the same happens

with my suicide plans as with my travel plans. I talk so

much about a trip, I consider it from so many angles, that

finally I no longer feel any need to visit the place, because I

have the impression that I’ve already been there. The same

applies here: By exhausting the subject of killing yourself,

you contribute to the feeling that you’ve already killed

yourself. And so, I continue to talk about it in an abstract

way.

I talk about it and people talk to me about it.

We’re having lunch at some friends’ house where I often eat

on Sundays; they have been present in every chapter of our

lives, and now they are watching me for signs of depression.

They are treating me to a weekend in a spa and a trip to

Rome in the spring, all three of us with the girls. X. is

looking into low-cost flights, and when I show interest, he

says in a surprised tone:

“Ah, but you and Píulix will go by plane too?” He knows I

used to move heaven and earth to avoid getting on a plane;

I only flew if it was absolutely necessary. And now he’s

amazed that I react with such indifference.

“Of course we’ll take the plane,” I say.

“Since you never wanted to fly before . . .” he responds.