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127

that

Strasse

as if towards a test point where I can check

with a simple physical touch whether I really am moving or

whether I’m dreaming under hypnosis, or both, or most

likely some third possibility, or whether I really am fighting

my way towards the goal I have set for myself.

>>>

I began to entertain the thought of saying “to hell with all

this” and going out and having fun with

his

money.

Whatever

his

means is a different story, but now isn’t the

time for that, not tonight.

Right then, that night, at 8 pm as I left the Hotel Hamburg,

I was sure that this long day would end by midnight at the

latest and with a girl, paid for with cash. Or better yet, with

two hired girls. And I would pay them more than I had to,

because it would be his money. The booth with the red

ceiling and the neon lights was merely a rehearsal. So that I

would later be able to last longer with real girls, with

prostitutes – I’m not going to come fast, I told myself. And

so on.

Those were my plans at eight.