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12 things to remember when you love someone with anxiety
Anxiety is tough, not just for the people who have it, but also for the people who love them. If you’re
one of those people, you know too well that the second-hand experience of anxiety feels bad enough,
and you’d do anything to make it better for the one going through it. Whether we struggle with anxiety,
confidence or body image, there are things we all need to make the world a little bit safer, a little bit
more predictable, a little less scary. If you love someone with anxiety, their list is likely to look a little
like this.
1. They will talk about their anxiety when they feel ready.
In the thick of an anxiety attack, nothing will make sense, so it’s best not to ask what’s going on or if
they’re OK. No, they don’t feel OK. And yes, it feels like the world is falling apart at the seams. Ask if
they want to go somewhere else, maybe somewhere quieter or more private. Don’t panic or do any-
thing that might give them the idea that they need looking after. Go for a walk with them or just be
there. Soon it will pass, and when it does they’ll be able to talk to you about what has happened. But
wait for that, and then just listen.
2. They’re great to have around.
Because of their need to stay safe and prepare against the next time anxiety rears its head, people who
struggle with anxiety will generally have a plan, and they will have worked hard to make sure it works
for everyone involved, not just for themselves. They’ll make sure everything has been organized to
keep everyone safe, happy, on time and out of trouble. Notice the good things they do — there are
plenty. Let them know you love them because of who they are, including who they are with anxiety, not
despite it.
3. They can’t help what their brain does.
There’s a primitive part of all of our brains that’s geared to sense threat. For some people, it fires up a
lot sooner and with a lot less reason than it does in others. When it does, it surges the body with cor-
tisol (the stress hormone) and adrenaline to get the body ready to run for its life or fight for it. This is
the fight or flight response and it’s in everyone. The “go” button is a bit more sensitive for people with
anxiety.
4. They appreciate when you try to understand how they feel.
It makes a difference to be able to talk about anxiety without having to explain it. On the days they
don’t feel like they have it in them to talk about it, it means a lot that you just “get it.” If you’ve tried
to understand everything you can about what it means to have anxiety, then that’s enough. Anxiety is
hard to make sense of — people with anxiety will be the first to tell you that — but it will mean every-
thing that you’ve tried.
5. They will sometimes say “no,” but don’t take it personally.
People with anxiety are super aware of everything going on — smells, sounds, people, possibilities. It’s
exhausting when your attention is drawn to so many things. Don’t take “no” personally. Just because
they might not want to be doing what you’re doing, that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be with you.
Keep offering, but be understanding and say “no big deal” if you aren’t taken up on your offer. They’re
saying no to a potential anxiety attack, not to you.