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and received: that is the right and just learning…! But I cannot bear that it may
hurt the body!
I can’t bear that my own weakness in harbouring fear may bring about a betrayal, a
disruption of the body’s harmony… My body wants to be strong and full and solid
and plastic, it wants to express beauty, grace and harmony, it knows these to be
there, it has devotion and gratitude for these things…
… Je veux devenir ENTIER, Douce Mère, pour m’offrir entièrement à Toi.
Je ne veux pas T’offrir un être divisé, infirme, dont une part se détourne des autres,
amputé, s’accrochant à Toi et incapable d’agir entièrement… J’ai vu trop d’exemples
de ça et, même si on ne le veut pas, on Te trahit… A part Satprem peut-être - ? –
je n’ai jamais encore vu un être entier à Ton service… : ce n’est pas la peine !
Mon âme ne demande pas à être sauvée ! Sauvée de quoi ?
Mais j’aspire à Te faire cette offrande, d’un être entier, simple, réel… !
*19-2-1979, Auroville:
I am nearing the end of my reading of this beautiful book, “Shogun” - I had not
read anything else than Your books for many years – and I feel grateful for it, and I
admire the man who wrote it. I have been very moved by the perfection of its
descriptions and the depth and richness of experience it conveys; it has taught
me…
*20-2-1979, Auroville:
This morning I don’t feel like working. Perhaps it is because many of us have to
submit to this Government Census and Patricia is to stay in the office to prepare for
it. But I am also disturbed, I feel that things at and around Matrimandir aren’t
looked after properly, I feel bad to be there only half-days, to have withdrawn from
any responsibilities, I feel bad that so few of us care and give… Yet I do not want
either to resume the life I had, working there full-time and suffering from the lack
of commitment, regularity and discipline, unable to rely on anyone and becoming
negative… And I am disturbed by the intrusion of the Government’s ways of
dealing; with our lack of consecration; with my own impuissance to manifest at all
what I feel to be true and worthwhile…
*23-2-1979, Auroville:
I’m off-centred, on an unreal speed; and inside me I’m just struggling for breath
and endurance, as one who is carried by too strong a current, just relying on the
trust that one will somehow be taken back to the shore…
The time we spend, C.E and I, in the goldsmith’s house, is pleasant, because of the
simplicity of its atmosphere and the detached attitude of this old man who has seen
so much, worked so much and yet has never asked anything for himself, for his
own comfort; it teaches something and gives the measure of the difficulty of our
path where we have to tend things, be the caretakers of material wealth, to help
create an integral environment for the integral life and yet never loose the concrete
awareness that nothing of it is “ours”…
*24-2-1979, Auroville: