714 / 1424
714
many tears…! I sometimes wonder if I am not letting people indulge in
misinterpreting what is simply an ill-understood intensity?
*9-3-1987, Auroville:
I am having trouble with the “father Asana”; since a few days, every time I am
about to settle on the right spot of the head and let the body-weight align on to it,
it seems to press a switch and I go off like a flame and loose consciousness at
once; so far I have managed to jump back down just in time, but it is very
intriguing… I have been learning for now about twenty years to open to the Force
flowing from above through the opening at the top of the head; perhaps then it is
contrary to now put the head down and to press on that very opening?
In a more general way I am struggling for a grasp on energies or, rather, the
different modes, qualities and intents of energy; there has been a recurrence of
sexuality for some days, and that specific mode is often met when doing asanas,
quite tangibly: when I am well oriented it is integrated, while when I am wavering
and mixed-up, it divides and begins to pull… And there are many other modes one
meets during one single day, according to one’s activities, to the time of day, to the
circumstances and the interchanges with others…
I have been reading these excerpts of Sri Aurobindo’s diary “Records of Yoga” from
his early sadhana in 1912… Oh Mother! Clearly, either You do the Work and one
only has to provide a steady receptivity, or else nothing will ever be accomplished
in our substance – it is impossible to expect us to be such sadhaks…!
*10-3-1987, Auroville:
I am hardly taking any notes of my nights now; this is all as if I was running
parallel lives: nightly it goes on, with their own sets of circumstances, situations
and people and relationships and events, but almost none of it ever seems to
express any higher, deeper or more useful state of consciousness than I am able to
experience in the daytime…
… Three weeks from now, I shall have to stop the work at “Ravena” if no funds
come in; I have considered trying to send an appeal again; but it feels like I have
done all I could in this direction, and I can now simply rest it all in Your hands and
await Your indications…
For me there seems to be nothing in front, nothing that I would rather do, or not
do, no particular future, no specific development; I juts wish, and pray, that it will
make sense, whatever it is: that it will be Yours…!
*11-3-1987, Auroville:
Trying to figure out what has been preventing me to do the head asana properly, I
observed several phenomena, and this morning I seem to have hit upon what is
perhaps the main resistance in my being: the resistance to manifestation, to
becoming, the resistance to existence and to Your Work in it; a tangible, almost
material refusal, a very powerful pull towards non-being, non-participation, towards
a return into some bundle of undifferentiated energy. And it seems to be that which
translates itself either into fatigue, weariness and lack of interest, or the reluctance
to express, to manifest, to share in any given situation…