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*1-3-1987, Auroville:
We’re having a water-crisis in the area already; what usually happens in May only
is already on us now, with people arguing and clashing over valves and ducts; since
two nights, either I or R have to stay up to run the pump, when the current supply
is more stable… All this haggling has been going on for years because, in the “high
places” the resistance to looking at the overall situation inclusively has been
stubborn; the money is there at Matrimandir to build the proper adequate water-
facilities and begin to ease the tension, and to help find solutions for Auroville as a
whole; but they resist and accuse and are righteous, and they stand “above”…!
Nothing of what happens in Auroville nowadays ever seems to make me feel that I
want to participate, to contribute, to support… It is not that I am egoless, far from
it! But there are gross justifications for the continuing action of ego that are gone
from me and I would expect they should be gone from everyone here at this point…
*2-3-1987, Auroville:
Last night there a strange, absurd dream-episode with Larry, where his arm had
been shattered and I was putting it back together and, in so doing, some trust and
intimacy was building up between us… This was followed by another episode
showing Ar.’s troubles, her body’ ailments; her waist was circled with an ugly belt
of large, dark welts…
… On my way back this evening I met B who told me that at Matrimandir people
were now trying to find a way out of this decision that was taken last Saturday, and
head back towards what several of us feel to be the most faithful solution: a simple,
bare double ferro-cement shell clad with some fine and noble material such as
stone or ceramic… She was vague about how exactly they intended to reach there…
I still feel that the only way is to do what was done about 10 years ago regarding
the presence of the 12 columns inside the Inner Room: to write down a clear
collective statement and sign it and that’s it…!
A while ago I tried to formulate such a statement, but I don’t know that I can
contribute anything there at the moment. My position is known anyway. Whatever
“process” the people at Matrimandir are involved in at the moment, I don’t have
much connection to it – or much respect for it, to be honest!
… I received a letter from C today: she is coming on April 15, for a month…
*3-3-1987, Auroville:
I spent a long time last night in the company of old Ashramites, in their own set-up
of activities, all centred on the Two of You, their atmosphere of childlike confidence
and dedication, of devotion and offering, but no aspiration for change; only the
rhythm and flow of a complete centring on You Two…
… This morning Su came early to me; she was a little lost and she cried; there was
some big knot in her, about having to leave. I took her with me to “Ravena” and
then to Pondy and we had lunch there, and it was alright…
*4-3-1987, Auroville:
There is a hollow, suddenly – vanished energy; I feel like jelly: no bones, no axis,
no purpose…
I got into questioning the nature of what motivates me to try and reach a physical
harmony; I have been doing this discipline of Hatha Yoga to unblock the avenues of
energy, when the state of imbalance had become rather extreme, and to let energy