708 / 1424
708
*18-2-1987, Auroville:
The way I’d like to live the days isn’t realistic; it would require time to stretch by
many hours… I can’t follow all the disciplines I’d want to; I’ve got to choose! And no
choice ever seems to be fully right…
… There are these active, insistent formations that keep assailing me regarding my
relationships to the people of Auroville, to the “community” – this time the trigger is
G.M’s strange attitude. I know well that it is a smallness in me that allows all this to
come; so I try to concentrate on offering this smallness of being and opening to a
position that is trusting and embracing, integrating and free… And I keep failing…!
Yet I am also aware, within the intricate mesh of these formations and possibilities,
of an “I” that allows it, that even may want it that way, so as to reach, to be
compelled to reach, a state that is no more dependent but is exclusively centred on
the progressive incarnation of the Presence, and the progressive awareness of, and
opening to, Its Action…
For instance, I do feel different when I am trusted and when I am not; but I believe
now that this isn’t real, and that I ought to feel the same whether or not I am
trusted by other human beings… It is the involvement of the ego that, as a result,
makes me doubt my own existence, or makes me feel right and justified…!
Those things aren’t very deep, but they make up the stuff of daily life, of this
broken-up experience, the linear one…!
I’ve got to surrender, and to accept as coming from the Lord all that concerns me
and let it be the way He wants. It must be a trusting and willing surrender!
… Su came by this morning just before I left; near her, I am unable to conceal the
pain, I don’t know why; she just picks up on it.
… I am quite lost!
*19-2-1987, Auroville:
The whole of last night was occupied with Matter: degrees of substance, densities
and intensities of it, movements and rhythms within it, layers of it, and the sounds
circulation, different qualities and actions of sound… This type of activity is
recurring more and more frequently… It shifted last night to surface matter, the
land movements, and the making of bunds and dams and fences and the planting…
… Thank you, my Lord, G.M has come!
He came around 6 pm, while I was still doing asanas, and he stayed for nearly two
hours: he is back! I have missed him, truly! It is only with him that I feel in place.
He confirmed all the impressions I had got from him; I was right in everything! And
now it is over, we are together again. And I feel less isolated, less lonely in
Auroville: he is there! We matter to one another, before You.
… Something else has taken place today, a comforting event: Larry came to
“Ravena” this afternoon and he was sweet; he had merely wanted to share the first
news of Auralice, who’d phoned him from New York; we also talked of all the other
aspects that concern “Ravena”; I appreciated his movement…
*20-2-1987, Auroville:
This state of physical insecurity remains, and I don’t know what it is going to evolve
into. I experience the near constant necessity of fighting this influence that has
been pressing on my life all through… It has become a physical battle too.
The purest way I have found to look at it is to take it as the hammering of the Lord,
whatever the guise He wishes to assume, so that this substance melts into His
Hands: this brings a trusting recognition in my consciousness.