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705
me (and among them he mentioned Gl and Piero!)… I could see then why I had
been moved to question the stance he had begun to take, earlier: it was the logical
one for him, but for me it implied distrust and condemn, it was loaded. But this is a
vicious circle: once more, instead of offering it all in silence, I have gone and put
my finger on it and it snapped back at me…!
But then, after a while, once I had shown him the work and explained some of it, it
eased a little, and his feelings changed; we parted with a question-mark, but less
ambiguity. Yet, how to communicate? All our values are different. And he is socially
in place, well-accepted and justified, within the fold. While I am out: everything I
do, every way I go, every approach I have, it is like I am on the other side of a
subtle barrier or borderline; it is rooted differently, as if in a different soil, and
arises differently…
I don’t know. Where can I go? Won’t they ever let me be? Why this active, constant
harassment, like hounds, manifesting through egos, misunderstandings,
projections? What is it that I must offer, and vanquish?
… This afternoon Larry came back to “Ravena”, this time to help fishing out part of
the foot-valve that had dropped to the bottom of the small old well, and it was
alright between us, practical and sober…
But I know that I cannot function when there is distrust.
… Just as I was about to leave “Ravena” this evening, P.J (“Bhagavandas”) came to
visit. I showed him around; he seemed to really like the place; then he told me that
he’d had news from G.M; G.M had phoned two days earlier (he and Jaya are
staying in G.M’s house) from Mahabalipuram where he’s been staying with F since
his return to India the Sunday before; and he’d asked for him and Jaya to come
and pick them up next Sunday. What pained me was, as I knew already where he
was from my own perceptions, then too my other perceptions must be equally
valid, of the reasons for his silence: that, because of his new relationship with F he
wouldn’t turn to me anymore, and that he’d been fed nasty false things about me
while in Paris and been affected by it… And it made me sad: am I not his friend,
truly? Is he not my very deep friend, truly? But I have also known, all the while,
that I must keep trusting, and be patient, that it will be cleared… Still…! It is the
intent and the intensity of these formations against me that, sometimes, like now,
overwhelms me… And when it hits, everything I touch or relate to becomes
questionable and stands on edge…
Even my relationship with Su worries me now; I feel it is time to communicate
more outwardly, or formally, and together look at it all, instead of keeping mostly
silent as we have been doing all along, a silence that was a bounty and a token of
implicit trust and a rest, but that can also turn around and become a cover under
which movements of attachment can settle…
… I don’t know… The way can’t be isolation and complete solitude. I must find a
level, a position that enables me to relate without causing more confusion and
pain…
*10-2-1987, Auroville:
Su has been feeling poorly all day, with this pain all over in her rib-cage, and being
deeply upset, a sort of inner revolution, with waves and troughs…
… There is a lot being looked at, within me, at the moment. And much of it has to
do with time, and with death, and the necessities before oneself in order to reach
the readiness from which a truer incarnation may take place – what is waiting, what
is still the “future”, a diviner substance for a more conscious life…