701 / 1424
701
… I resent D.M and Janaka for having gone, and I resent Janaka’s sister and all of
that world, with all its pretence at “love”; and I resent being thus part of another
“waste”…
*23-1-1987, Auroville:
I am battling with strange states and strange weaknesses. I don’t want to tell
myself stories, but it would appear as if I am getting closer to where death, as a
force, or as an agent, has its influence in the physical consciousness. It is like I am
left wit no vital energies – and therefore this incredible need for sleep…
*24-1-1987, Auroville:
Now I have got this problem with the heart, which most of the time I take as a gift,
to put me in the place where some work can be done on the physical mind to open
it to true awareness; and there is this mad secretion on my scalp, which causes
constant itching, and this bumpy protuberance on my forehead; and there are
these haemorrhoids, and this extreme sensitivity of several nerves, particularly in
the area of the lowest centre, at the base of the spine; and then there is this
terrible need for sleep, and a general sense of a loss of balance, and a fatigue in my
feet so odd that I want down to Pondy merely to get some of these old-fashioned
wooden soles made for me; and my skin has become so sore with any change of air
pressure and humidity… All of this is rather silly, and I do not worry really, but in
some other way I also feel it is the expression of a little more awareness, and it
gives me a little hope, and gratitude…
*25-1-1987, Auroville:
This morning particularly I had difficulty breathing, and it is connected with the
heart; I have been wondering, because there is the part that is just attachment to
form, attachment to the present physical identity – its advantages, and its qualities,
and its experience in Matter; and that gets somewhat in the way of the right
perception of what actually goes on about death, its processes in the body – in the
bodies -, the allegiances to it, and the different roles played by will, fear, aspiration,
surrender, understanding, offering, etc… And I wonder, whether it is asked of us to
take position: to refuse death in the substance, in one’s substance. But that of
course means firstly to become aware, concretely, of the real, of the true Matter –
or, rather, of the incarnation yet to come, in Matter, past humanity…
*29-1-1987, Auroville:
This afternoon I tried to attend the special meeting that had been called at
Matrimandir regarding the options for the final cover of the sphere; but I am too
impatient of those here who do not need to look within and experience more
consciously what it is all about, and to seek what is truly necessary… All this sterile
talk has been going on for years, and Piero is practically a saint, to be explaining
over and over again what the material implications of the different options are...