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- 1987 -
1-1-1987, Auroville:
There is this strange fatigue pulling me continuously; I feel no pain in the heart, yet
it is clear that it originates there: it is very odd; I would have to sleep several times
a day, as it is…
And at one point this afternoon, it got too much; there was nothing outwardly, or
visibly wrong, not even pain; there was just a sort of acute, extreme unease, and a
pull, radiating from the heart throughout the body… I don’t know…
*2-1-1987, Auroville:
Ar. is so willing, so open, so given, and it is so real to her, and so constant… And
yet I can’t do it, because I simply do not want her to take up more space; I do not
want her energy to move and act even nearer to my consciousness; I cannot give
myself to it, because I do not trust it, in the sense that I do not know it as my
home. And it is puzzling and disturbing that she keeps feeling I am her nest and her
anchor; it cannot be! So, why this disharmony, why this unreality? Isn’t there
enough of it in the world? Why isn’t it set right, why isn’t she made to turn to the
right person for her? Or is it that she still has something to learn through this
relationship with me?
*4-1-1987, Auroville:
I have placed the two paintings of Your Symbols in the big room.
I am reading “The Looking-Glass Universe”, and discovering with enthusiasm the
contribution that David Bohr has made and is making to the Work; it makes me
happy, within…
… With Su I seem to touch the tip of a reality that implies, or evokes, a huge and
terrible need in me to find at last, in Woman, the one presence I can adore and
celebrate, without separation… Sometimes it brings tears…
*5-1-1987, Auroville:
I was disgusted with myself this morning, feeling so cramped and disharmonious,
and dull, so dull, preoccupied with little physical disorders – this ball-like growth
above my forehead, for one thing, which has remained indifferent to all my efforts
and arguments for 3 or 4 years now: it is ugly and it hampers the whole balance of
the body and its rhythms, and I don’t know what to do about it any more and I am
considering seeing Datta soon and asking him to remove it surgically…