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comply; this at once made him very sour and angry; the immediacy and the force
of it took me by surprise: he tried to hit me, right there on the road! And then he
exploded, saying that he’d been waiting for this moment when I would act weirdly,
that he’d been warned against me all along and by so many people, but he had
tried to keep it away and go on relating to me, but now he saw it: they were right,
all these people…! And he shoved me violently and I nearly fell… All through, I kept
very quiet, preoccupied not to get swayed by the fear of physical violence, and I
called him back… But he cycled away, steaming…
I don’t know… I should have known…: this is the establishment, and he is “bona
fide” and I am out; and my commitment is to “dead” people! And I am weird. I am
different; not to be trusted… And on and on…
I went over to Bharat Nivas and took down those statements of accounts from the
main ledgers, put it all in an envelope along with a note which I made as friendly as
I could, and brought it over to Larry’s house; he was already gone to Pondy,
though; so I left it there. We’ll see how he responds; this will tell me exactly where
things stand in Auroville today.
This is an upside-down-world; yet I feel there is still a sort of fifty/fifty ratio, and
there is too the possibility that Larry acknowledges he’s been wrong and we make it
together; but if he doesn’t, then it means that a certain type of dishonesty is now
covered, or legitimised, and we as a collectivity are not trying anymore…
*3-2-1987, Auroville:
I did asanas three times today; and I worked in the garden here; and I read…
I have received a confused letter from E.B who has been admitted into some
psychiatric hospital near Paris…
… This thing with Larry has thrown me back into a tight place of unease, in relation
to most of the Auroville people and to my own way here… He and Auralice came to
“Ravena” this morning, to gather and collect more things for Janaka’s family, as
Auralice is leaving for the US tomorrow; I was willing and ready to go over the
whole incident and to meet openly, but Larry kept his dark sun-glasses on, and
practised a non-committal attitude, all steeled in: a sort of status quo…
… I went before 3 pm to Matrimandir to look at the models and maps of F.Gr’s
proposals for the Matrimandir Gardens, and I tried to attend at least part of the
meeting that followed; I like his proposals, but I have no patience: I just can’t
stand hearing over and over again, after so many years, the same empty mental
arguments…
*5-2-1987, Auroville:
This unease remains; but now it has the character of something I must simply
endure, until it is lifted away, until it has done whatever work it came to do…
And there is this extraordinary book I have been reading, about Jesus Christ and
the Essenian Fraternity, and it is packed with authentic experience; it is such a
contribution, such an offering, I am very moved by it…
… I am going on with a rhythm of daily life which I am not too sure about! As it is,
it makes days rather “un-productive”; but I am given time, and time I need, and I
use it gratefully… There seems to be so many aspects to the “inner call” that, at the
moment, solitude and a quiet pace seem most fitting; relationships, even casual,
brief exchanges, contiguities, are more often than not a weight and a source of
discomfort; it would be different only if I had some function, self-evident and