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*30-1-1987, Auroville:
There seems to be a real battle going on: the influence of death on one “side”, and
the need for true Matter, for true material incarnation in conscious substance, on
earth, on the other “side”… It goes on all the time…
… Ar. went this morning, following Bob and Barbara’s advice, to see some weird
doctor in Pondy, about her physical troubles; this man pointed out and listed all the
things that have gone wrong, some of which she hadn’t even seen yet, and
proceeded to make such statements about her energy degenerating and wasting
away, and about the “Lord of Death”, that she returned to me doubly upset and
struggling to put it all out of her physical mind… And this evening she talked to me
of her fears, and about those parts in her that are too unhappy with her present
life-experience and too willing to quit…
…. I went to the concreting at Matrimandir after my work at “Ravena”, and I met
Hans atop the structure, who told me that Petra’s child had left her body just a few
days ago…: this is another of Auroville’s defeats…
… I know that, in order to grow more aware, one has to become more capable of
assimilating intensities of experience, and that, as one touches more living truth,
one must also touch more of the resistance to it… But there’s only one thing that
makes complete sense, and makes life worth living, and that is You, Mother: Your
Work, Your Way, the Becoming You herald and the Conscious Reality You
incarnate…
Mère d’Amour, Douce Mère, Mère que j’aime, Mère, Mère, Mère, Mère…
*1-2-1987, Auroville:
I keep having this trouble in the heart-breathing relationship…
I am reading on “Mémoire d’Essénien”, a very interesting rendering; it is all
attuned, so far: nothing exotic or suspect and its atmosphere is rather open…
… I wanted to finish writing my letters to C and to O.P this evening, but Ar. came
and stayed, saying she wanted very much to be with me, that I am so much part of
her life; she is so sweet and open and offered and gentle, and it feels so terribly
unfair of me not to cherish it all as she does… And yet I just can’t: however much it
makes me feel selfish and cold and harsh, I still cannot change the feelings I have;
they are just there. The only movement I can do is to step back somewhat and
stand in a sort of non-personal space, or position… But then she feels me far away,
or absent!
She heard that today’ meeting on the Acts and Auroville’s future had been
exceptionally good; if it is so, then I am glad…
*2-2-1987, Auroville:
Something went badly wrong this morning; I must have acted blindly: probably
there must be times for frankness and times for caution…! And I felt like crying,
afterwards, beyond the numbness… I met Larry on the road, on my way to Bharat
Nivas after the work at “Ravena”; he asked me again for a fresh copy of the
statement of accounts we had earlier sent to Janaka’s sister… (I write this down
because it may help to formulate and offer it all before You). I had been resisting it
and postponing it since our last talk, as it had become apparent that Larry had
appointed himself as the caretaker, in charge of everything and “allowing” me to go
on with the construction work. And that had come in blunt contradiction with
working together in trying to bring “Ravena” to its completion. So, this time, rather
than remaining vague about it, I told him openly why I had been unwilling to