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far away from here. I had to argue with them that we must do it another way, all
the while wondering about my motivations: was it for Mukund’s sake or for
Selvam’s! But I know what is done in those asylums, and it is horrible and brutal.
But I couldn’t change their minds and I left.
Then Selvam came to find me here, and I explained to him; I offered to try another
way, with him, saying that it would be better to hand him over to the police, as it
would leave him another chance to correct his ways, rather than bringing him to
such an infernal place where he would only get truly damaged; Selvam agreed, and
he was relieved.
We tried a first time, but the Inspector was away; we decided to try again later.
Selvam drove me back to Matrimandir for me to attend a meeting with the
engineers who have been studying the structures of the Petals. Catherine and I
made our proposal, and the chief engineer, Santhakumar, readily went along with
it… Now we’ll make a full model of a petal at a 1/50 scale…
As I was returning, I passed by the Kitchen to fetch the bread and found Mukund
there, in one of his states; I stayed with him and tried to let him see the options;
but soon others gathered and it became oppressive and fruitless; and then Selvam
came looking for me and we decided there and then to take Mukund between us
two on the bike and took off, to everyone’s relief – people have become a little
fearful of him after last night’ violence…
But at the Station the Inspector was still away and the man on-duty wouldn’t
budge. So there was one option left to us: we drove away, quite some distance,
and reached the Gingee area, about 70 kilometres away, and we left him there; I
though and felt that, this way, he still had a chance… We returned before midnight,
very tired…
*30-7-1989, Auroville:
Around noon, Dhanapal and Raman came to find out how it had gone with Mukund;
this gave me a chance to tell them my “preventive” plan, in case Mukund would
find his way back here; mainly I want to try and avoid that he is put into such a
place as an “asylum”; it seems to me that somewhere along the way this man had
a genuine inner experience, but lacked the development, strength and balance
required to live on according to its revelation; I tend to feel that it is better to die,
than to fall prey to, and be for ever scarred by, the formations of madness…
*31-7-1989, Auroville:
This opening to Selvam is shattering. It is like a constant explosion at the core of
my nature…
The Pressure is there, strong, very strong; and yet I do not seem to respond.
There’s something wrong with me… Sometimes I grow a little scared… Selvam is
often so scattered that, by opening to him, I open to a whole world of confusion;
there are moments when I feel very lost!
And at Matrimandir, both Narayana and Bhavani are again flipping out, every day…
There is such pain…
I don’t know… The Force is there, holding me; I want to cry much of the time; it is
crazy, it is silly, it is terrible; it is also very sweet, and I have to learn everything
again… But is it possible at all…?
… The atmosphere at work was difficult; I became so tense when Narayana again
started yelling… perhaps this Matrimandir is just too much for the present human
composition of Auroville… I don’t know…