275 / 330
GAZETTE
sepTemBER
1986
The Fable of Sam, The Solicitous Solicitor
A Christmas Fable
by
F r ank O ' Ma h o n y*
O
nce upon a time there was a small State called
Utopia, a happy State, if only they knew it then. But
the people weren't happy, not with "Things The Way
They Are", as they'd say. "Things will Have to Change",
they'd say.
One day, a little Transylvanian lawyer, in search of
his fortune in the United States, had the misfortune (as
he then thought it) to be shipwrecked on the rocky shores
of Utopia.
Wandering, penniless, along the streets of the Capital
City, Sam (for that was the Transylvanian's name) was
fascinated by Lex Street. Lex Street was a street of one
hundred solicitors, about 10% Junk Lawyers, .10% Mink
Lawyers and 80% Average Lawyers (though, of course,
they didn't call themselves that).
The Transylvanian wasn't much of a lawyer but he had
his father's shrewdness and he said to himself, walking
down Lex Street, "mmm", he said, "I'm going to grab
myself a piece of this action".
So, off goes Sam to a local Bank and makes his
proposition. The Bank Manager was no fool either and
knew a good idea when he heard one.
Soon Sam had bought the local TV station as well as
a humble shed immediately alongside the finest building
in Lex Street which the Top Lawyer owned. The entire
conveyancing (which he did himself) cost £1,000,001. The
shed was very humble and cheap.
Next morning, the good citizens gazing at the Breakfast
Show on their T.V. screens were astounded to see Sam
the Lawyer being interviewed.
"I'm arriving", said Sam "to bring Cheap Law to
Utopia".
"And how", asked the Interviewer, "are you going to
do that?"
"Principally", answered Sam, "by Cutting
Overheads", nodding at his humble shed, "and by
avoiding Legal Frills and Fancy Trappings" — gazing
meaningfully at the rather grand office of the Top Lawyer
next door.
Soon people flocked to Sam and he
did
provide cheap
law and the Man in the Street began to think "This is
What We Want". And so did the clients of the Top
Lawyer think. "Why", they began to ask themselves,
"should we keep the Top Lawyer in his grandeur when
we can have Cheap Law like everyone else?" So, one by
one, the clients of the Top Lawyer left him and went next
door to Sam.
Sam prospered and the Top Lawyer began to starve.
And Sam, when he thought the time was ripe, went next
door and said:
"My dear and fraternal Brother in Law, my practice
expands while yours shrinks almost to nothingness. It
grieves me to see your sad condition. Let us join our
efforts. I will pay you a noble sum for your splendid
office and I will offer you a well-paid job if you will
honour me with your fine service."
The Top Lawyer had not been Top Lawyer for nothing
either and he thought to himself: "this offer is certainly
better than what I've left here". And so he sold his office
to Sam and took up employment with security and Sam.
In a short time further, more and more legal
practitioners in Lex Street began to starve, while Sam's
wealth and repute grew apace. But Sam did not allow
them to go into bankruptcy; instead, like a kind father,
he took them over, lock stock and barrel and put them
into safe and secure jobs at desks throughout Lex Street—
all of which he now owned.
As time went by, Sam saw that people really didn't
change much themselves. Some actually
wanted
expensive
law; others simply couldn't
afford
law. Sam devised a
scheme.
He allocated 10% of Lex Street to a special department
which, in the gold-plated office in the penthouse he
occupied on the top of the highest part of the street, was
called the Mink Law Department. He allocated another
10% of space, in the Basement, to which on the notice
at the top of the stairs leading to it was called "Bargain
Law Basement" but which, in the penthouse, was referred
to as "The Junk Basement".
Sam put all his brightest lawyers in the Mink Depart-
ment. The more these bright boys charged, the more
clients thought of the service. He put all the dumbest
lawyers in the Basement, on the principle that people buy-
ing an item of Junk Law wouldn't appreciate too haughty
a salesman.
And the business prospered and people thought
"Thank God for the Great Universal Law Store — 'twas
about
time
the Legal System in Utopia was Reformed".
In time, the employees in the Store began to think
about salary rises. The first of them approached the pen-
thouse.
The Boss greeted the employee warmly.
"Come in, come in, and sit down. Have a Scotch —
or Irish?"
The employee lawyer sat down in a gold-plated chair.
"I'm wondering if I may have an increase in salary?"
he suggested.
Sam leaned forward on his gold-plated desk and began
confidentially:
"I can remember well the first day you began to work
for me. I was lucky to get your excellent services.
"You have served me faithfully and well. How can I
reward you?
"I have two options. I
could
give you an increase. But
that would, let's face it, break the Firm's Motto of Keep-
ing Down the Overheads. Or else" and he paused and
lowered his voice, "or else, you can continue to work
hard and one day, who knows, you may be sitting where
I am".
The employee glowed with ambition.
"We
must
, of course" he replied, "stick to the Firm's
Motto. I shall continue to work hard and then with time,
265