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probably so presumptuous that I don’t put up the correct effort of understanding
and rigorous observation…
*1-12-1977, Auroville:
At 9 am I went cycling to Auroson’s Home for the Pour Tous meeting: financial
situation (Rs.25, 000/ deficit this month), the only way to reduce the expenses is to
cut down on food… Is it possible without harm, just with a little more care and
balance? I feel clearer about what to do in the Kitchen here so as to cut our
expenses and I want to study it today.
But then I got a chit, unsigned, asking me to a meeting about the “Tamil workers”…
This wasn’t happy, but heavy, with this same mixed and arbitrary note as in the
past when this “problem” had come up. Dealing with such issues with the mind,
artificially, instead of the direct contact – often despised as “feeling” or “sentiment”.
I know what they want, that all “paid workers” stop eating their lunch at the
Kitchen – that both Rad and Nat. are sent away and told to bring their own tiffins,
when it was their own choice to receive less wages in order to share food with us,
since more than 2 years now…
I am on the defensive, and sad, because I had felt so clear about working out with
Noh. And V. a new; more economical diet…
V. came with me to this meeting, at the Matrimandir office, after 1 pm. I explained
the situation, and that it is a matter of progressive relationship…, but Toine pushes
their decision as “an experiment to be made”; I cannot agree to this and it worsens
as they all turn on me saying that I am the only one to hold that view; I probably
express myself in blunt terms, in my reaction to what I feel as an escape to avoid
the real issue and a destructive attitude erasing a long, slow but steady progress
that has been done… I say then that, if such is their final decision, I’ll have to
remove myself from the Kitchen as well…
V. and I sat by Matrimandir… I felt crowded with mixed energies, something heavy
on me, a sense of rejection and of the lack of any harmonious effort towards a
TRUER solution…
I remember that You have said:
“Once you have started to give them food, you cannot stop!”…
V. and I agree that if Rad. and Nat. are indeed told to stop eating in the Kitchen,
we’ll also stop and eat with them at home, and ask Yv to arrange a food basket for
us independently…
I feel a conviction that their attitude is wrong but I do not want to cling egoistically
to any position, and I see the need not to put myself in the middle of it but rather
to truly offer it to You, so that You may put Your Force on it and a greater harmony
may come and more truth in our actions… Yet somehow I doubt… This situation
here is very tricky, and opaque; when such problems arise, something heavy seizes
on us; already so much has happened that has obviously rendered Your work more
difficult, Your work that is not of the mind, but is everywhere at every moment for
a more integral manifestation…
*2-12-1977, Auroville:
V. and I have decided that until this matte is dealt with in a Pour Tous meeting, we
will not accept the decision and we will ourselves bring their food to Rad. and Nat.