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When we reached Matrimandir this morning we saw several motor-bikes parked by
the office and found that, following yesterday’ PT meeting, which we hadn’t
attended, a new team had taken over all the office work and Toine and Jyotiprem
had both withdrawn. The new team is composed of G.M, Piero, and Fred… I feel no
joy about it… It just seems to be another power thing and I have little trust in that,
it is contrary to everything I have understood so far… there is a sort of disgust in
me that is not easy to put aside…
*30-9-1978, Auroville:
On my way to Matrimandir to see for the week’ payments, I meet Jyotiprem: he
tells me how he’s been pushed out from the office by Savitra and others. Then he
hand me a dirty piece of paper, prepared by SSJ, asking each person working at
Matrimandir to sign in agreement to the SAS resolution… Since it is obvious I am
not going to do that, we laugh over it…
When I reach the office, I find G.M, petit P and A there, sitting like 3 suburban
gangsters, and it feels as ridiculous and of as much poor taste as SSJ’s paper…! I
don’t quite know whether to get angry, to cry or to just smile and go on…
This whole situation is rather repelling…
How to spend the energy for You?
I don’t know the way. I just feel the need to continue to go every morning to
Matrimandir as a discipline; only; if C.E is too unhappy about it, then I may not be
able to go ahead with it…
… I was still out working in the garden at dusk when Pala passed by; I said to her I
had just received some seeds and asked her for one clay pot (I had seen she has
many); but she refuses; and she starts explaining “her situation”. I kept quiet.
How to understand this? When she has criticised and aggressed me so heavily and
yet has kept asking me for all kinds of material things which I have never refused,
and now she cannot give me one single clay pot?! What is wrong with me that I find
myself faced with such behaviour?
… Tonight, waiting to do our clean-up duty at the Kitchen, C.E and I took a walk,
hand in hand, over to Matrimandir; Yan and another fellow were sitting on the first
slab playing guitar, unaware of our presence; it made me a little happy, gave me
some confidence that perhaps, in time, all will begin to feel Matrimandir as their
home and want to serve it together…
*1-10-1978, Auroville:
… I went upstairs to do some painting: I had wanted to do a face and thought it
would be a sweet and feminine face; but what came out was a surprise: a strong,
powerful, joyful, manly face that could be that of a black man with deep piercing
eyes, and a kind of exhilaration and, as it appeared I wondered: could it be “me” in
a previous life?
*8-10-1978, Auroville:
Walking back with C.E from the “Fertile” pond in the evening light, I “think” of You…
things rise from the past… And I see that there’s still a warp in my nature, a basic
cowardice and a vileness that allows these losses of balance and responds to fears.
But, seeing it, I become centred and feel a quiet strength, generous and tranquil –
and that is good!