167 / 1424
167
Tonight, C.E said that perhaps it might be good to take some distance and not to
see each other too much for a while; and as he spoke I felt we were now two
entities, no more one movement… And how the yearning for togetherness is itself a
divine breath.
In vain I asked him to stop, to come back… There is nothing I can do.
The question is: what to do when the contact gets veiled – even so slightly, for it is
not sudden, it starts very subtly -; one senses the difference but feels secure in the
outer movements, and then it is too late… What should one do?
To keep quiet, to look within oneself for the insincerity, to call You, to part?
C.E said we had to call You, as if we were attacked.
But somehow I am tired now of looking at the world in two contrary halves; I want
to realise the Divine in ALL of His being and that includes the “adversity”, since
nothing exists without Him, nothing is but Him…
We kept silent, then.
I thought that to part was a kind of political move, an arbitrary way to “deal” with
the difficulty… I fell asleep while the rain was driven by a cold wind.
*9-9-1978, Auroville:
When I want out this morning to pluck flowers, C.E was half-awake, but distant. I
went and sat under the tree, wrapped in a blanket, and wrote several pages of my
diary to You. When I returned to C.E’s he was all sweet, it was over. We embraced.
*10-9-1978, Auroville:
Working in the garden here, I ponder this matter of reciprocity, of mutuality, of
equal commitment – the mystery that lies therein and the innumerable failures in
men’s lives to achieve a balance. The more I go the more mysterious it seems to
me and I feel the key to this mystery is truly in the Lord’s hands…
It would seem that I merely got lost in the dependency to an exclusive relationship
and have thus gone astray, but I feel it goes beyond that, it touches the core of the
human knot and the secret behind the apparent contradiction between multiplicity
and oneness… Or between unity and the formation of individual egos and the need
thereof to pass on to a truer condition…
In the process, withdrawal from contacts into one’s consecrated isolation may be
wise strategy, but temporary: for it all remains unfulfilled.
Yet the opportunity must be given by You, otherwise one is likely to miss the Help
necessary to overcome all the obstacles, and that is why one must learn true
surrender, so that one’s demands, incapacities and contradictions do not come in
the way…
… I watched as C.E applied varnish on our paintings. Later something unexpected
happened: C.E went to the new house to fetch some tool, returned after a while
and told me he had felt that we should move right away to the new house. This
took me by surprise and, as the day went, it all started rising, full, happy and
positive…
*13-9-1978, Auroville:
At 4 pm we went to attend the general meeting at the amphitheatre. It seemed
almost everybody had come. F chaired. We listened to the text of the resolution
that was passed by the SAS, then to the answer prepared by Auroville and we were
asked to find and agree upon a common position.