162 / 1424
162
… I saw V pass and stand dreamily gazing at the house, a load of cut bamboos in
her arms, like a lovely little girl; I was reminded of how we had suffered from this
very lack of reciprocity when it was me, then, who didn’t have the same yearning…
How to get to the true life – life true to the Presence within?
I want to reach equilibrium and have no egoism.
*14-8-1978, Auroville:
We laughed over my bad night: my sleep was so agitated that I fell off the bed!
Yet when it came to agree on walking back together from Pondy, it became all
tense as if there was nothing we could do together any more…
I tried to locate in myself that little door to the Supreme that every born being has
access to… Out of schedule I came upon C.E in the street and we finished the
shopping together and he decided he wanted to come with me to Paolo’s (yesterday
Paolo had come while I was at work and left a note of invitation for me to meet him
at lunch today). We stayed there till 3 pm and it was light and happy. C.E’s
presence helped me to observe how I am still prepared, or still used, to being
courted, but also that, with Paolo, a need for a more real and substantial friendship
has developed.
… I have received another letter from J.F.A and, at night, on the sand-pile, I tell C.e
about this peculiar relationship, and of the “problems” it evokes as one addresses
another person in a mystical way or dimension…
*15-8-1978, Auroville:
Sri Aurobindo’s Birthday and India’s Independence Day…
I have found my prayer, the prayer I can make at all times, it is the little door to
the Supreme that each one has access to within oneself and through which He can
step and begin to manifest – so that little by little I can put all the energies into
that prayer… For; what else matters than the Supreme taking conscious possession
of Its instruments, Its bodies, of the physical and material worlds…?
… Tonight as we were preparing to sleep, at a sign in C.E’s way of moving, I felt it
was time for our bodies to meet, I went to sit by him and we embraced… I could
have wept; it was like the parents’ arms when one is a child… We lay together and
it was hesitant and happy and intense and playful…
Yet I stayed awake for a long time wondering if by my fault I have exposed us… But
then I fell asleep and dreamt that we were making a garden and planting flowers
with a great depth of meaning…
16-8-1978, Auroville:
While at work we were each dealing with the “after-effects” of our experience, but it
wasn’t heavy. And tonight when we lay down again, we told each other what we’d
been going through during the day and it was quite simple and there is a happy
trust, a confidence that rises from being aware that we are nothing and can do
nothing, that we rely on That alone to take us forward…
*19-8-1978, Auroville:
I feel steeped in confusion, just like the air today, grey, heavy and sticky, I don’t
know how to shake it… Then as drops of rain start falling I propose to C.E that we
go running, let energy out with earth and sky : we follow the “Fertile” road and run
till we reach the big pond, orange water against the red soil, silent, intense and