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Krishna has returned from Delhi; he sits with us tonight for a while. Later, when C.E
has finished writing his mail, he turns to me very sweetly and lies down next to me
and we hold hands and at one I become aware that… I am hard like a stone and my
heart is veiled and there is only a mechanical expression of tenderness over a big
hard wall, something so hard and so satisfied to be hard and indifferent, something
that has never wondered, never questioned itself, that has no respect for anyone
else’s existence… I tried almost desperately to see it dissolve into a deeper
movement of love, but nothing moved…
*27-8-1978, Auroville:
At noon I returned to C.E’s with a pressure from above going deep inside and lifting
my heart with inner tears and intense yearning; and I saw this movement taking
place as if someone, the Help, was letting down a rope in a big dark well reaching
for the soul and holding tight and little by little pulling it out of the dark, out of the
ego…
I wanted to explain to C.E what was happening but he prevented me sharply saying
that I do not have to justify or explain, that we are together and it is enough… I
looked at a sudden turmoil, trying to see through it; and I found that… here it was,
the ego! It had gone lurking, acting even in the transparency of that silence, it was
there, hard as ever, like death itself, and it had every intention of making C.E feel
how great I was and how I deserved homage for what was happening in me – that
he had a lot to learn before he could even hope to experience such a thing… Like
light focussed on a pin, the Pressure was showing me… the ego!
I feel I must go on, but how can I trust what I am?
*30-8-1978, Auroville:
As we were about to start back for Matrimandir, F.S came by shouting my name
and that he wanted the use of a barrel; as C.E was coming out after me, F.S began,
in his typical aggressive humour, to denigrate everything that’s being done here,
the water-tanks, the pump-house, the “castle” as he called it, reminding me that he
had only given me his support for the building of a “temporary” structure, not of a
palace… Somehow, this hung with me as we worked the rest of the day, chipping
the roof of the Chamber, and I wondered whether I was using C.E as a refuge,
hiding in our relationship, turning away from the general pressures…
Stopping at 5 pm, tired, as we go down the scaffolding I hit my head on a clamp
and get a good-size bump for it… C.E and I had some steel to cut by the workshop
but we got confused, it went all wrong between us… I told myself that it couldn’t be
worse, and this calmed me down at once; we had to sit under the Banyan tree a
while to recover, though.
As I was asking within which way I should be going, to stay or to leave, to remain
with C.E or to move away, and put this mental alternative before You, I realised
that the truth is not choosing to move either left or right, this way or another: the
truth is to be true! To be true in one’s consciousness, in one’s being, at every
moment and in every circumstance; and right there and then, a smile returned in
the air!
*31-8-1978, Auroville:
C.E got up late today…
As we clean and arrange the house, I tell him my dreams and we laugh…