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sense myself so tremendously far from any possibility of becoming conscious! Yet
when You also say that Sri Aurobindo experienced everything through
consciousness alone… I believe I know what it means and it gives me confidence…!
… This implacable movement of time, day after night, night after day, like a huge
horse dragging us behind, with only one choice: to ride it or to be stunned and
submit blindly…
AT 8.30 am I reached Matrimandir and had to wait, no one was there yet.
Then Th showed up but he didn’t want to do the platform, so we started on the new
scaffolding. Later Andy and red P came, then a few more, seemingly as slowly as
they could, almost reluctantly… P.G came only at 9.30 am; everyone was as heavy
as could be, asking time and again for the same explanations, waiting to be
pressed, pushed or pulled, and so on… I got rather bad-tempered, feeling quite
ridiculous too, and lonely, in an absurd situation…
I don’t understand whether this is all the Lord’s Will and I must grow more plastic
so as to adapt to this constant variation, or else it is all nonsense and it is pointless
to believe that Matrimandir will ever be built by us… I don’t know.
I feel my own limitations concretely, but I also feel that most of us here seem to
have lost the aspiration, and it is only that aspiration that could enable us to build it
together, through all our differences, contradictions and distances… with a smile!
Now it is gone. Will it ever return, developed and strengthened, in the same
people? I yearn for the possibility to do it with people who are willing, but it seems
to be impossible – those who at present would be willing are the ones who… who
don’t understand, Mother, they only want to use You…!
I’m sorry. I know this is all the mind still, but, Mother, I love Matrimandir, I want it
to be manifest, with all that Beauty and Grace around it, that atmosphere of Truth
which is ready, just behind the veil.
But if I have faith in that world, in that atmosphere and in the Lord’s Will and
Power, shouldn’t I trust and give up my demands and judgements and prepare
myself for it as best I can?
… Listening to Your music I saw a greenish golden shape, like a living transparent
oval containing, or enclosing, a person’s face, similar to Yours when You wore the
veil…
*3-1-1979, Auroville:
C.E shows me that the chrysalis I’d found on a leaf in the garden has opened up
and a large black yellow-spotted butterfly has come out of it and is hanging
immobile at the edge of the leaf, waiting for its organism to be ready for the first
flight… It is impressive, this silent act, this waiting stillness in the metamorphosis
from one state to another. It reminds me sharply of the wish You had expressed to
go into a trance and wait for the other body to emerge, immobile and withdrawn for
however long it might have taken; but they didn’t let You do it… Or else it is the
Lord who saw a better way…!?
*4-1-1979, Auroville:
I cycled over to “Tapoloka” for the PT meeting; Myrtle came to me to apologise for
not having spoken to me the last time… Cl.B sits with me… The last and main topic
is the matter of the Coop accepting Shradhavan as one of its members, all the
arguments for and against – the intensity of the choice to be made between the
attitude of rejecting, reacting and identifying individuals with forces, with danger,