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… Tonight I have to arrange the beddings for both Ramalingam and O.P… I have
gotten used to be by myself, it seems, like some kind of hermit; but each day is
truly unique!
*6-7-1980, Auroville:
I realise that all circumstances are arranged so as to show whatever it is that
contradicts the unity of the being.
… O.P’s girl-friend has come; we found her easily in Pondy; she had travelled on
her own; her name is Nathalie. They are only here for 10 days.
We go to the Samadhi together. I kneel there a moment; but these days I do not
find You there as much as I find You everywhere, even in my most difficult hours…
There is so much hypocrisy displayed around a grave…!
Nath has rented a room for the night; she will cycle up tomorrow.
… O.P’s purse was stolen yesterday, from the house itself it seems, and I feel very
bad about it: a breaching of trust, a betrayal…!
*7-7-1980, Auroville:
I attend the special meeting on “Administrative work” in Auroville. About 2O of us
are present and two visitors, two brainfuls of Americans who are travelling over the
world “to help solve problems”…! Everyone laughs a lot, but I just wish them on
their way!
*8-7-1980, Auroville:
This is the second depressing night in a row: I am struggling to grow out of a
condition of crude, unevolved impulses, cravings and attractions, without rejection,
without taking shelter in the “upper”, elitist parts, without having to make a split in
nature… Sometimes the obstacles seem to be telling me that I am cheating myself,
that this is not the way to go about it and I should not keep trying on my own…
Okay! But there are also moments when I know, when I am in contact with, or
identified with an energy which, while it has no moral sense whatsoever is directly
conscious of true, real purity: it knows what true purity and true balance is…
As long as these notions of “high” and “low” or of “shame” and “taboo” are playing
in our substance, how can one ever be made whole?
Night after night I am absorbed by this grey, unprogressive condition…
But I need to find the Lord’s Presence even in what is considered to be the crudest
craving… That alone is the key to the real change…!
*10-7-1980, Auroville:
I find G.M way off-centred again! P.G has worked him up over the latest “incident”
at “Fraternity”: it seems that A.T had house one of his workers on an unoccupied
field nearby, which gave the carpenters the idea to take over another field… Now
G.M wants to attend the general meeting… Whenever he gets thus agitated, it is as
if he is loosing consistency, and we communicate no longer; Marcia makes a point
of showing him how different he gets according to the person he is with, how his
behaviour is affected: it is indeed a worrying factor with him. It bothers me all the
more because I too become one of the influences acting upon him, almost as in a
competition, and I want no part in that…! I would rather withdraw! But then, I care
for him…!