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nothing that we can or even have to do, but keep looking and seeing through that
window and; little by little, learn to let that “air” enter us…
… Yus tells me we have no money to pay the few wages at Matrimandir tomorrow,
and I should try to get it through the “Envelopes”…
*10-6-1980, Auroville:
Usha and Shruti have come with Diane to Pondy and they tag along as we do our
work at the FRO office… I think perhaps it is a great strength and support to be
sharing one’s life with a woman and children, come what may… Am I meant to
experience it in this life? Have I lived it already countless times?
… G.M and I finally mail these hundreds of envelopes… Whether anything comes of
it, we shall see! As Christiane put it, we’ll have only lost the stamps…!
We ride back at the end of the day. I drive; it rains all the way into Auroville, and it
is sweet and restful to be damp and cooled, riding in the dusk, riding home on this
free land, orange and soft and yet harsh and inhospitable, riding together in this
very moment of the universe, being material, being aware of You…!
*12-6-1980, Auroville:
Last night before sleep I had an intense physical experience: I was lying on my
back, drifting into sleep, gazing at the stars above, pondering that hypnotism that
ties us down to the earth-sense – and wanting to go out among the stars… I felt the
pressure on top and around my head, and I began to move toward the opening; but
each time I reached there, came a powerful pressure all over the body, as if it was
invaded by current; it increased and the breath stopped and the heart-beats started
to fade and there came a movement of withdrawal… And a last time it happened
and I realised then that I was leaving the body through the head and that this was
not at all good for the body: there was too much pressure and current, and
something there was not altogether friendly, or else something was missing, the
sense of communion was absent – I wasn’t experiencing it as coming from You…
But it taught me this, concretely: I can leave my body whenever I want; I know
how!
I had sometimes wondered about it: in the case, say, of torture, how to quit? Now,
it is clear!
*14-6-1980, Auroville:
G.M is in a poor mood; frustrated, off-centred and careless, ignoring the others;
Marcia and Pas sit there not knowing what to do and he pays no heed to me
either… Gl comes up to see me: she is saddened by all the justifications people find
not to participate in the work; then she tells me that there are those who say they
cannot come to work because of… me…! That hits me hard!
I ask “who?” She mentions two names, Phil and F.Gr… I have felt F.Gr’s violence
toward me since some time, noted his weird attitude, and it seems to me this is
largely due to his jealousy regarding my friendship with Patricia… As for Phil, his
attitude has changed since what happened between Krishna and I, and I know his
predilection for seeing “falsehood” in others and himself exempt from it…
… I turn to G.M and tell him directly, in front Marcia and Pas, what I think of his
behaviour; Marcia is relieved that he hears it from me; Pas remains very quiet; GM
calms down; in a while we four come together again and it is happy…
Then I tell them what Gl has said…