368 / 1424
368
etc… This is more often like a jungle, and we go on inflicting pain, dividing and
hurting… for whose sake?!
But it is alright among us, and I felt that Fred was rather surprised to find this
solidity in our team…
… Diane and I go down to Pondy for some more work, and for her bike to be fixed,
and also to let go and have a little break: we have dinner and beer!
I part from her at “Aspiration” and come home tonight to find Yel waiting for me,
tender and open…
*11-3-1981, Auroville:
I concentrate on completing this list the whole day. Barbara comes to re-order all
my files. Diane comes to have dinner with me here.
I don’t know what the near future holds, but I sense that there is a lot in the
balance right now and the path is obstructed again, in a subtle way: a kind of
bouncing effect where the basis was not sufficiently true…
… My dreams are very detailed, these nights, and very interesting, showing many
different influences at work – and not all of it is pretty…!
*12-3-1981, Auroville:
The Pressure is powerful, and there is like a cry in the body…; is it the nerves? I
don’t know… And yet there seems to be calm, and there is gratitude, constantly,
gratitude for the Grace…
*13-3-1981, Auroville:
For some days now I couldn’t find G.M; there was some interference again. And the
few times Diane and I went over to “Dana”, he was not there, he’d gone to
“Sharnga”, or… And today Cl.B comes to me on his behalf, to ask for the “Dana”
money, which I always bring myself, and her tone and manner are such a
statement…! I feel lost… Diane stays near me…
I go, then, over to “Dana”, to see G.M myself, but he is away. I leave him a note.
… Diane helps me: by her presence, she brings perspective. Then she leaves.
I fall asleep, and wake up in the middle of the night, and it is very difficult: there is
a formation of such negativity, of such utter rejection – negating, actively negating,
with no way out… It is the most frank and undisguised attack I have ever
experienced so far… That thing which has dogged me since birth…
I felt I couldn’t make it… It was so… tangible!
But one thing has helped me: it is the sense, the comprehension, that if I had no
ego left in me, this simply couldn’t touch me, it just couldn’t… And so, in that way,
it all makes some sense!
Do I have to loose my friendship with G.M too? I don’t know!
In this life every relationship that has mattered has been attacked, and I can’t
blame anyone! It is so strong!
*14-3-1981, Auroville:
I was still under shock this morning. But I wanted to be very gentle with everyone I
would meet: it is in these moments that one knows the only way forward is in one’s
capacity to “love”…
… At the Bank today, there is Mir B, her face a mask of sickening hatred…