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affects me the most, troubles me the most, is in its effects on those who are close
to me, even on those I work with… And I don’t know what to do…!
… Diane is having a hard time: Jean and others as well, are blaming her for being
close to me; and yet she finds herself happy when she is with me; she feels at
home when we are together, and our relationship seems to be developing of itself,
and I too feel happy in her presence…
… This place is so beautiful, Mother…!
*15-3-1981, Auroville:
Diane comes here, mid-morning, to work with me; but she also needs to talk: she
is planning to build her own hut near “Jaïma” so as to move out of a situation with
Jean that has become too constricting and static, and into a truer relationship with
him. I want to encourage her in this direction, to affirm her independence while
keeping a balance with everyone who matters to her…
… For about two hours I have the experience again of that knot of ego that must be
pulled out; the mind can offer it; it understands the need for it to go, but its effort
remains in a tangent: it is not effective… More directly and more centrally to the
outer nature, Your Help is there to take it out, to pluck it from my breast and leave
“me” open and plastic and given to You…
*16-3-1981, Auroville:
Diane, Cl.A, Yus and I have to spend the day in Madras, and its nightmarish
character, as we have got an appointment with the Joint Secretary…
… On our way back I feel more fatigue than I have felt for a long time…
… Yel is waiting for me here: he goes and gets me some ice from the Guest House,
welcomes me and provides the relief I need…
*17-3-1981, Auroville:
B.B comes: JM.B, returning from “the mountain”, has told him that Satprem has
been in quite some difficulty, both physically and financially – for Sujata and him,
but mainly for his work with the Agenda; B.B, PP and others are determined we
must urgently collect at least a minimum amount of money and send it over…
This reminds me of my wish or yearning to go there myself, but I feel there is now
too much opposition and too many formations: the time may not be right…
It seems that the SAS is trying to get hold of some of the Agenda, to publish it in
an “abridged form”, and at a cheaper price…!
… This evening, G.M and I are able to spend a quiet moment together; it is helpful
and calming…
*18-3-1981, Auroville:
I find that, since Bhaga has joined the Coop and Fred has returned and now takes
part in our regular meetings, the living purpose and action of this team-work is
somewhat blocked: subjects become issues, mental statements take the lead,
practical adjustments become impossible and trust does not happen anymore… It
just cannot go on that way; the simplicity and directness of the experience has
gone…
… Arjun, Cl.A, Diane and I find ourselves sitting in the garden, bewildered and tired,
wondering which way to go on… At least we are still in touch with the work itself