377 / 1424
377
So many times what soothes and helps me when everything else seems to fail, is
the beauty of here, of the atmosphere, of the trees, the house… And then the
gratitude rises again…
*21-4-1981, Auroville:
I had to take Ar. down to town early, for “Free Store”, and I only had the “Visas
work” to do and a few errands; I waited, in a state of helplessness, feeling useless,
lacking any clear purpose, as if in a void, or a noisy emptiness… Diane came, and I
suddenly lit up: it was not in any affective or emotional way, but it was as if there
was purpose again; sharing had sprung back to life, and there was someone there,
not just a show; one could move with aspiration, act with meaning…
… I am tired when I come home, and I find… Pnina!
Her gracefulness touches me, the harmony of her presence… but it remains at a
distance… She had just arrived…
… Soon Diane comes, and Barbara and we have work to do…
And this evening Myrtle comes, obviously wanting, needing to have time with me
alone… And, without transition, I am thrown from one situation to its opposite…:
three women at the same time! What to do? What is one to do?
At this point in time, Diane is clearly the closest to me, the one with whom I am
naturally the happiest; yet with Myrtle there is a wholeness in the contact which
goes deep, even if it does not find expression in our lives; and here is Pnina, sitting
quietly and deeply wondering what she has got herself into and what is my position
in relation to her…
I leave the house to Pnina and go with Myrtle to the Guest House and stay there
the night – and it is good and full and happy between us…
*22-4-1981, Auroville:
I get up before dawn, leave Myrtle and come over to the Kitchen to do my duty:
preparing everybody’s breakfast!
… G.M comes and we have our morning coffee with Pnina at the house; G.M is once
more himself, natural…
… Diane comes, for our work… She is evidently affected by Pnina’s presence, and it
is revealing of the importance our relationship has acquired in both our lives…
We have work to do in Koot Road, then, with the local authorities – an inert
shapeless bureaucracy -, and in Pondy, with taxes, etc. The sky is gloomy as if
before a storm, there is wind in the air and the sea is grey, moving in slow heaves,
and we have time to sit and watch it and be cleansed by the sight of it, and we
have dinner in town…
When we return, Barbara is here with Pnina, talkative and funny…
Then, Pnina and I are alone; she needs to know what I feel; I can only say that
now what matters most is for her to find whether she wants to be in Auroville – as
only them could we both know how this relationship is meant to develop…
*23-4-1981, Auroville:
G.M has breakfast here with Pnina and I.
Diane comes to pick me up: we have plenty to do, and it goes well. In Cuddalore
we have a long, fruitful meeting with the SP…
We are back in time for the general meeting, although we’d both had wished to be
exempted… Whenever we collect together without a purpose that is central or