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that is so desperate that I am, for hours on end, constantly on the edge of suicide;
it is only the true awareness in me that keeps me knowing that it is no solution… I
must endure; there is no other way… There is nothing in me, otherwise, that clings
to life for its own sake…
… I have tried and tried to put my own longings aside and receive the indication of
what is best for him… What I want for him is to let go of this social image he has
been so attached to, to learn to be himself and to trust that everything needed will
come in time; I want him to hold firm on quality and care, in everything… He
understands that, but he is still too weak…
*2-9-1989, Auroville:
There has been much physical work today, pushing and carrying and lifting, and a
lot of it in full sun too…! Since a few days I have stopped going to Janet’s in the
afternoon, so I can work longer at Matrimandir; there is so much to do there! I
realise, through work, that it is a simple matter of orienting the energies; if I
initiate more work – tasks which must be done anyway but have been left pending,
or supposedly awaiting agreement -, then it just passes on, it gets moving… So I
slowly begin again to open to all the aspects of the completion of Matrimandir.
What I need most is a good psychological balance. With John H it is wonderful, and
he is happy not to be alone anymore to sustain the full day rhythm, as everybody
else comes in the mornings only…
… Ar. came by, in a state, because of her difficulties with Ritam, who needs a man
in the house and misses Namas too much and is getting impossible with her, with
this weird, uncontrolled and unchannelled energy of the first stage of puberty; she
feels quite helpless before it and doesn’t know at all how to respond to it;
sometimes they even hit each other…
*3-9-1989, Auroville:
Shera had dinner with us. She had almost decided to leave right away, discouraged
by the heat and the insects and the fatigue and harshness of it all, and feeling also
the pull of her dying mother at home in Canada; but at ease with us, she relaxed
and became less apprehensive; she has deep-rooted barriers, though, and has
made an assessment of her relationship to the world that will not give way easily…
We like one another, though…
*4-9-1989, Auroville:
I want and need to reach back for that state You were giving me earlier, and I keep
stumbling and tripping, opening the wrong way to currents and emotions that only
pull me further away with the weight of separation…
… News of the country is so ugly, as of a rising tide of misery and lie. How much
has this world to suffer before the way opens for the true Force to create its own
conditions…?
… I hope, I pray that I have touched bottom; this condition I have been in is such a
negation of the Presence, this constant wanting, narrow, obsessive and relentless,
this stifling smallness of being…
On my way back in the dark, I crashed, in slow motion, into a large pit by the
roadside (I have no light on my cycle!): I didn’t hurt myself, and I had the sense to
see the humour of it…! But the evening at the beach was happy, Selvam was
relaxed and very sweet; he had done a lot of good work on his house and it begins