880 / 1424
880
*4-10-1989, Auroville:
This morning when I woke up, got up and started the day, I felt enormously
relieved. It wasn’t a dramatic change, but a remarkable clearing-up: I was back in
my own consciousness, and lid-less, free from the confinement under that lid, the
suffocation I have been experiencing ever since I got bound to Selvam… I was free
again to move within my own awareness, to reach up, to reach out, to stay quiet,
to look at anything… And there was the sweet and discreet tingle and tinkle,
nearby, of gratitude returned…
… This last wall in the Chamber is very difficult: nothing matches and I can’t get it
right; of course it probably doesn’t show, and I only know that it is much less
perfect than the other 5 walls I have done, but it worries me…
*5-10-1989, Auroville:
Things have slowed down at Matrimandir; tools are missing, machines break down,
there are power cuts and the generator is out of order…
*6-10-1989, Auroville:
I have had such a rotten 6 months’ nightmare that I am surprised I am still in one
piece…!
*7-10-1989, Auroville:
This was a proper, decent, “nice” meeting: I just wanted to scream! All reasonable
and polished, I don’t know, it’s like being in the midst of sleep-walkers!
And this afternoon wasn’t much easier: this heavy and clumsy inadequacy, this
separateness, like a weight, to be a lump of substance that cannot give…!
There was a strange incident: as I walked up the earth ramp at the end of the day
at Matrimandir, a woman on a cycle called out to me, asking whether I knew
“Divakar” and could I give him a letter… When I said I was Divakar, she looked
surprised, then happy; she is visiting India and has known about You and Auroville
for about 10 years; she is a drug-addict, in that loving, gaping, folk way; she is
very damaged physically, but has these most wonderful big deep liquid eyes; she
has been a close friend of A.F and O both, two women who have been important in
my “early life”; she says that A.F killed herself 10 years ago, but that O is still
alive… I invited her to visit with me tomorrow…
*8-10-1989, Auroville:
This woman, Mathé, spent the entire afternoon here with me; she is very
interesting and open, and she obviously has been in contact with something of
You…
*9-10-1989, Auroville:
I feel a little withdrawn from what goes on at Matrimandir, like I don’t want to be
involved… But I feel too removed from too many things, while not being able to
align to That either…
… I received a long, laborious letter from N, written for him in the jail by someone
there who knows some French, asking me not to forget him, not to abandon his
children, and to come and see him there…