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*10-10-1989, Auroville:
After checking the work both at Janet’s and at Matrimandir, early morning, I
returned here, and Selvam came to find me; I explained, as clearly and simply as I
could, that for the first time in my life I had opened to a life-energy in trust, and
found an emotional home, a place from which I could offer that personal part; but
that, finding no support from him, I kept falling into a pit and loosing all interest;
that it was most probably only “my problem”, as they say; that I didn’t know what
was the next step, but that he should go on doing whatever he felt like doing and
not bother about me and, for his own good, keep coming to me whenever he felt
the need for it…
… I spent much of today in a sort of aching stupor, reading the last novel by Le
Carré; it is like a cruel mass that keeps rolling back on me, and I remain just as
vulnerable and helpless, and I don’t feel what grace it may conceal… This has never
happened to me: whatever the difficulty I always knew, somehow, that the Grace
was using it; this time I don’t. And no mount of self-questioning does any good…
*11-10-1989, Auroville:
The garden is better, coursing and singing again with the sweetness of the light.
But I am not even ready to start cleaning the dead wood; I have to force myself to
do the smallest thing… I am waiting to feel the next step, or the impulse to move
on it, whatever it may be. I don’t want to feel guilty of doing nothing, for once; I
have worked just about every day of my life in Auroville, it ought to be alright to
take a break; I don’t want to carry forward the unresolved pain…
Su has been respecting my silence; I am lucky to have her here by my side…
… I managed to check the work at Janet’s, and see the carpenters at Matrimandir,
who are finishing the shed for the work of the floor marble; I have thus given
myself one more day respite… And tonight I’ll do my watch-duty, and that will be
my miserly contribution for the day…
One way or another, this last pocket of personal need must be resolved. I cannot
do it. It has to be done.
My faith is that I cannot have been given the state I was given earlier just as a
whim of the Force: this was Home, true Home, and the beginning of a yet unknown
world… The only separateness lay in that unfulfilled need buried in me – a need for
a living yes, so it could be offered… In this life, one cannot just deny or quit, there
has to happen something that will turn the regret and the longing into a willing
adhesion…
*12-10-1989, Auroville:
Selvam was determined that I must go back to work with him; he wouldn’t go
alone. He keeps saying that I must be patient and trust that what has to come will
come, that “the flower will bloom” between us, as he puts it, and that he will grow
conscious. He keeps saying he doesn’t want me to move away, or to be sad…
But I am not ready to trust again. It is like with Matrimandir, I am wary of all the
games, of the separation, of the lack of care; something has felt too much pain and
is now like a beaten child, cringing, anticipating the next blow…
But we went to see the work, around noon. And actually I haven’t missed anything
really: Hans isn’t finished with the drilling for the last row of slabs, others have
been missing too, and Catherine hasn’t made any progress on the drawings… Still I
haven’t contributed any energy there, and it doesn’t feel good!