884 / 1424
884
According to him the witnesses haven’t said anything against him at the last
appearance in Court…
*19-10-1989, Auroville:
Selvam and I had another session. This was more serious. I can’t go on; it feels too
much like a waste. I put the choice before him: either he makes a commitment to
change his ways and to put some order into his life and gives it an orientation, and
I’ll put energy into it and we’ll go through anything; or he doesn’t feel ready or
willing or able, and we part; I’ll keep supporting him as much as I can but we won’t
see each other more than occasionally; he asked for a couple of days to come up
with a clear answer…
*21-10-1989, Auroville:
I need to move back into awareness and surrender, to feel again “what Thou
willest”, to let That be…
… I antagonised a few people at today’ meeting, by raising first the issue of SSJ’s
cheque to Matrimandir, and then the issue of each one’s commitment to a minimum
of 5 hours of daily work, as a precondition for organising the work; it didn’t make
me more popular…
*22-10-1989, Auroville:
The weight of being – or of being human? – is crushing…!
*23-10-1989, Auroville:
The only thing I know to be real is the Force. And it acts from within the reality of
everything and every being… Earlier this year I had felt there might be the
possibility of collaborating, simply by growing more aware, where I am, of the
Force; that this awareness constituted the only action one could truly contribute…
But then I slipped and went “down”, or away from it, into separateness; I became
again, and worse than ever, caught up in the mesh of my own needs and longings
for human fulfilment and response, for a home in life…
… I have to accept that, psychologically, there is no clear-cut solution to this
relationship with Selvam; I have somehow let him wield a power over me, over my
own state and condition, and I have to work from that now…
… I brought fruit and biddies to N in the jail and left a little money with a guard for
his needs…
*24-10-1989, Auroville:
I worked all afternoon till evening in the Model room on the calculations for the
steel-reinforcement of the Pillars extensions, while Catherine worked on drawings
for the bottom Pond and walkways, and John H came and went, and I liked the
concentration and the feeling of it… But walking back home I also walked back into
the pain, the sorrow of being denied…