876 / 1424
876
knows; according to him the case is coming up for trial in a few days, and the
relatives of the victim would rather accept money and withdraw their charges; he,
M, is to meet them tomorrow, and N’s mother is ready to sell off some of her land;
if this works, N may be released for good; otherwise he may get sentenced to
several years imprisonment… I made it clear that I will have nothing to do with
such transactions…
*13-9-1989, Auroville:
I’m getting depressed, or depression is getting me…! John H mentioned to me that
Myrtle is planning to leave Auroville; and Su says that Barbara is also thinking of
going… these are two of the very few people in Auroville whom I trust, and consider
as friends, and sharers of the way… Who will be left here? Who will hold on and
stick to the purpose, despite all the contradictions? I don’t know why I get so tired…
and the weather is surely no help, and to hear Shera complaining she’d never
experienced such a low level of energy doesn’t help either…
But I go through the motions, and cling to work; by 10.30 this morning Selvam had
not yet come and I was struggling alone to place the marble slabs on the last wall –
the twelfth – which is more difficult, as it is the one where the work of two different
teams is meeting, and there are slight differences in the levels of the rows…
He came to find me at home around 2 pm, already some place else in his mind; I
held him up and talked to him and asked him not to play, and to be honest and go
by his real feelings; I told him that I’d rather we split than try to go on and keep it
together in spite of his near-permanent confusion… It pulls me down too much; it
has to be a progressive thing; otherwise it isn’t worth the trouble… He was arrested
by this reaction of mine, and he said he would really look at it today and let me
know tomorrow what he finds…
*14-9-1989, Auroville:
Today I first asked Selvam not to hold me into his life, mixed up with it, if he wasn’t
going to care truly for it… But later, I felt I was being too proud and demanding;
that this couldn’t do… I had to make a move.
In the evening, then, I bathed and changed and drove down to the beach; he was
there, alone, and he was happy I’d come. We both were.
Then he explained to me that, ever since he’d sold his bike, he’d been obsessed,
literally obsessed every minute of the day with the wanting of a bike of his own, for
all it expressed in his own life…
*15-9-1989, Auroville:
Selvam came early to work so we could finish one row of slabs before he went to
Vanur. He had to help his friend Mani, who is to leave with Aurassi to Australia, to
get Aurassi’s birth-certificate; through Mani and Aurassi Selvam learned that Diane
is now living in Australia with Auragni, working as a secretary for Cow John and
finding an apartment and generally getting settled, with Auragni starting school (is
it Sidney or Melbourne, I don’t know)…
*16-9-1989, Auroville:
I suppose I needed to have, at least once, the experience of being so thoroughly
entangled with another person… I don’t know…