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JayMerill
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in the house and still trying
to keep things going there
with my smile that was so
much weaker than it used
to be. As I’ve said it was my
only ally and I had to bring
it on for encouraging and
consoling and cheering
and cajoling, and all the
rest of the things smiles
like mine are used for.
Because I had nothing
else to fall back on. But I
was feeling uneasy due to
becoming aware a smile is
not as clear cut a way of
safeguarding freedom as I
used to believe. You think
you’re steering clear but
all the time you are letting
people in; letting them
determine how you are.
They are there in your head
and the better the smile
you give, and the warmer
and more at ease with
yourself smiling makes you
feel, the greater your level
of self-deception. And that
is so scary, because once
you’ve seen this you have
to seriously ask yourself
what is left to you. You
need a hiding place that
isn’t already taken. Where
will you find it?
You always end up with
yourself. Well, I hope you
do. I’d be really frightened
otherwise.
Because if I wasn’t sure I’d
be able to find myself pure
and simple, I might give
up the ghost. Know what I
mean? Ha! You
should
end
up with yourself. Finding
me is the pursuit I value
most in this world. Of
course the idea of finding
can carry the implication
you can be lost to yourself,
doesn’t it. Well, of course
you can. Maybe for a
time at least. But if you’re
strong you’ll pull through
the haze and come back.