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free choice in the matter.
And fish were the reason
he looked down on Craig¸
because when we were
staying in Plymouth at
Auntie Errie’s once, Craig
caught a leaping silvery
fish in the Tamar on our
way back from a mini
camping trip in Cornwall.
All the adults present
laughed and clapped,
which was just what
Craig always liked to have
happen. And he went
that soft pink colour that
made me want to throw
up. Craig stalked off by
himself looking daggers
at everyone and wouldn’t
relent and have a lolly
later, even though Craig
had to throw the fish back
in the river because it
was only a tiddler. Funny
I never have had any
trouble recalling what
most people would prefer
me to forget. As it’s quite
the opposite when I’m
supposed to remember
something
important.
That’s when my head goes
blank.
A probing thought: Now
I want to talk about the
changing dynamic of the
house. I got past Craig’s
visit without incident.
There was nothing for him
to pick up on. I was proud
of my abilities at going
unnoticed and wondered
for a split second whether
it was necessary to
leave at all. But, yes it
was, because I was well
aware how the smile had
become more and more
of an effort and I had no
confidence in being able
to sustain it for very much
longer. Also, I had begun
to resent the kind of life
where you are forced to
keep on smiling just to
placate those around you