172 292
JayMerill
172
night I tossed and turned
in my bed and got hardly
any sleep. Because this
was crunch time wasn’t it.
The hour I’d been aiming
for was now quite visibly
on the horizon. I didn’t
at all like the idea that I
might turn out to be one of
those types who get cold
feet. But then I decided to
go easy on myself. There
isn’t any point in beating
yourself up over who and
what you are. If I was a shit
scared bunny rabbit of a
guy well I’d have to learn
to live with that. Wouldn’t
I? Wasn’t this what this
whole experiment was
about? Finding out what I
was and being that thing
despite all the odds.
Next morning I got up
fairly early and went
down into the kitchen.
The whole house were
already assembled. Why
was that? Oh yeah, they
had jobs to get ready for.
This was the morning
scramble to make tea
and a bit of toast before
leaving the house for the
day’s honest toil. They all
stared at me when I came
in the door and not too
pleasantly. I tried my best
smile but it was too early
in the morning for them
to take. I could see that,
plus I felt them thinking,
It’s alright for him
. Their
feelings of resentment
about my relative freedom
fell off them like scales.
But that did it for me.
It was the final, not so
gentle, hint. I didn’t know
when I would go, and
perhaps I’d have to psych
myself up for a little while
longer. But I knew I was
definitely going to vanish.
Which was a welcome
thought.
______