298 / 1424
298
Still I went ahead and handed it to Ruud, saying that I did not expect a reply…
And now the two things are there before my mind, in a kind of balance…
The tension is gone. There is a yearning for trust.
Help me to be honest! Help me to walk the steps!
*12-3-1980, Auroville:
Early this morning John H comes to see me. He has not read my question; he
wants to tell me that he now feels it is wrong to resume work in these conditions
and that he wishes to keep quiet for a few days and see… It is a smile, really; his
heart is so alive!
I receive a message from Ruud, later. It is signed by him, Toine, Bill S and Ed and
it says: “Your perception of the situation and my perception of the situation are
false. Mother is certainly up to one of Her plays. Let us see what happens!”
I stay quiet. I do not feel it is real. I sense Toine’s mind behind it, organised,
efficient, “apolitical”, advocating a self-sufficient hierarchy of dedicated workers,
intolerant of any other considerations… And to this we should surrender…
Discipline is fine, I am all for it… But not at the cost of our inner commitment!
… I walk to the Nursery to borrow Narad’s bike; he is not there. While I wait, and as
every single time I have been there, I experience this crushing inertia… It is very
odd, I don’t understand it: here is a place filled with human activity and with
Nature’s exuberance, well looked after and yet, every time the experience is the
same, my legs go weak; a weight pushes me down… Narad arrives; he talks to me
almost in whispers, so solemn, about what he has felt and understood these last
two days; it is alright and perhaps we do share a little, but this solemnity of his
makes me cringe and be vigilant and… sober!
… I drive down to Pondy. G.M and I have agreed to meet for lunch; it is a little
calculating of me, as I have been hoping to meet again that young woman we saw
the other day, and that small “adjustment” of mine disturbs me; it contradicts my
rule of offering it all to You, and I have to make an effort to withdraw from it…
There are quite a few of us at “La Maison”: E.B is there with Cyril, even A.R is
there, and others, but G.M and I find ourselves a corner and review our
understanding for a while… and the young woman comes in! It is obvious that she
has made the same “calculation” and the scene is rather humorous, as both E.B
and A.R are jealously watching me!
Later, when that first wave of attraction has dissolved, I go and sit near her,
meeting another person, perceiving bits and parts of a complex, imperfect, evolving
human being… Her name is Pnina, she is from Israel… Another Jewish woman for
me! She has a small daughter there and is going to bring her soon. I leave before
the connection becomes too strong, to give it its own time…
*13-3-1980, Auroville:
Around 2 am this morning, P.G woke me up urgently. He has been very unsettled
lately, endlessly arguing, uncertain; he has changed his mind about going to Delhi…
But he has just received a letter from M.D who is still in Delhi working for all of us
with official contacts, addressed to the 3 of us again; and, reading it, he became
even more disturbed by the “decision” taken here as regards Matrimandir… He felt
so alarmed that, at midnight, a strong urge woke him up and he went over to
Matrimandir and found Ruud there on duty and shared with him and told him
exactly how he felt, what he had sensed and how this was all a trap and M.Z had to
now be stopped before he files that Injunction in Court. And, he says, Ruud realised