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push it; I also want to be sure that this would not make a drama with Jean and
feed more formations and stories…
And today a letter from Pnina has arrived, announcing her return in two months’
time – which is bound to mean something in my life here…
*23-12-1980, Auroville:
The whole day in Madras, with G.M and Marcia: the dentist (my teeth are a disaster
area and I don’t know what can be done about it here), the meeting with the
Director of Industry and Commerce for our Cement Permit, the meeting with the
FRO main Officer, Manoharan… it all goes well. Then we see Nigam off at the
airport, and return in his car.
*25-12-1980, Auroville:
There has been some upset in the team at Matrimandir, following Piero’s hiring of
carpenters without consulting with any one of us – with his usual reasonable
arguments to cover his inability to answer the need of the moment and his
continued refusal or incapacity to share, to let go, to work with… Upset too with K.T
and Fred’s urgings, at the general meeting, for us to conform to the expectations
and to fit with the image they are busy projecting of our collective existence, too
moralistic, as if promoting a brand of hypocrisy, thus interfering in the work we
have to do together here…
But more and more I feel the need for balance and proportion; it is so easy to loose
this sense, which is yet so indispensable and must always evolve…
… I do believe that the Lord expects us to be transparent and honest at all times
and never to pretend…
… I want to grow ever younger, truer and fuller!
… This morning at Matrimandir Kiran brought toys for G.M and flowers for me, as
her Christmas presents!
*26-12-1980, Auroville:
This morning G.M had to go to work ahead of me, as I still had to collect the
monies for the “Envelopes”. When I go to join him on the structure, I find him
sitting with Gl, looking quite lost. I feel distinctly uneasy, but keep quiet…
It is only much later, when we are in “Dana”, that he can tell me of her words, of
her attack against me: she, my friend, whom I love so dearly, is now feeding the
same formations about me, as if she deliberately and purposely wanted to destroy
the friendship between G.M and me, separate him from me…
It takes the two of us the rest of the day to work through this, wondering,
wondering… And now we are both thinking that perhaps we must withdraw again
from Matrimandir…
I know that in us too there is sometimes this careless indulging in giving life and
reality to formations circulating about others; I know there is still this kind of
dishonesty in each of us, and that it is thus we ourselves lay the obstacles in the
path of our own progress…
… Fred and Savitra have formed a team with Sanjeev A, the lawyer friend from
Delhi, to work at the presentation we will need to make at the Supreme Court, as
we are now impleaded as a third party…