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… Tonight C.E. comes to pick up the money for “Existence”, as I had no time to get
there this evening. But it was for both of us a pretext: we have both missed each
other, this free and trusting tenderness abandoned and direct…
… In her “speech” to G.M today, Gl called me “a snake” and reminded him that he
himself had called me that once, years ago, in a moment of anger or frustration… I
now suspect that what people sometimes, when touched, semi-consciously
interpret that way, is my innate capacity to reach directly for the intimate being and
ask for an unreserved response, while outwardly I do not even try to conform to
the accepted norms of “communication” and social interchange… I am aware now of
the dangers, insofar as I am still weak or exclusive, but I believe there is a truth in
this, even though it may not easily be accepted in this world as yet…
… I love this path, Mother; I love the completeness it leads to…
*27-12-1980, Auroville:
Many of us have gathered here this evening to listen to the 2 ½ hours long
interview of Satprem. The energy is clear and joyful.
*28-12-1980, Auroville:
Today is Aurienne’s birthday party, and soon the entire garden is littered with
sweets wrappings… I cannot manage to accept the ways of certain children; I have
no patience with them or any desire to be close to them…!
… This afternoon Diane and I have to ride over to “Utility” to see the situation
there; we meet with St, a British guy, and Nerguez and Clair; it is interesting, and I
like the way Diane and I complement one another and can thus convey better some
of the spirit of the way…
*29-12-1980, Auroville:
Myrtle is thinking to move to the Centre Guest House as its caretaker, as R has
recently asked her to replace him there. This would seem to suit her needs both for
constant activity and sufficient comfort for her and the kids. She spends more time
with me now that she is here, and we trust each other in a quiet and straight way;
and there is also the possibility of a physical expression… But this is all so
humorous! Either I find myself alone with no relationship that could include the
physical dimension of nearness and sharing, or else there are several such at the
same time, and it all becomes so embarrassing: the practical limitations forcing to
“choose”, when in actual psychological terms, each relationship counts and matters
as much, each being unique, irreplaceable and invaluable… I find that most of these
“choices” we make in life are not truly based, but are responses to rigid patterns
and conventions…
*30-12-1980, Auroville:
We have to complete the text for the Affidavit in a hurry, and see Savitra, Alex and
Sanjeev off to Delhi this evening…
… I had to meet the SP in Cuddalore this morning too, and the Civil Supplies man
for our stocks…
*31-12-1980, Auroville: