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It is as if I must against all odds demonstrate, with such a show of love, that she
has been right to come to me… But this isn’t the way I feel; I feel the need for
time; that in time the trust will build up that will allow for true affection to develop.
I have more confidence in that than in a blaze that is then quenched and only
leaves crumbling embers…
… I work a lot in the garden these days, the sun, slanting at a slight angle, pouring
a soft, transparent, radiant light onto the damp leaves and grasses; there is a
breath of joy and I breathe along, it is like a wedding lighting up an otherwise
pointless universe – that of man’s reign…
*20-8-1981, Auroville:
Now “Pour Tous” sends us a good basket of food-stuff twice a week, and every time
it feels like Father Christmas has come…
…Today Ojha makes us a surprise visit; in his own way, he misses us; he keeps
telling us that we mustn’t give up “our work”… It is funny…!
*22-8-1981, Auroville:
Diane resents my involvement with Coni’s class; perhaps she feels that I would
grow into it if nothing else pulls me, and it is too unfamiliar to her; we need to find
something we can do together, as an expression of our relationship – or as a
demonstration of its validity?
*29-8-1981, Auroville:
We attend a meeting on a new construction project to begin soon in “Dana” – for
collective housing -, with the intention of proposing ourselves as coordinators… We
put it to the others. Let us see…
… Since Diane has moved here, we have really seen very few people: G.M and
Marcia, Barbara, John H sometimes, Krishna…
*1-9-1981, Auroville:
We attend the general meeting. It seems to me that we are slowly and steadily
strangling ourselves, within the freedom given us, into a condition which is in no
way superior to the current, worldly one…: we are re-creating the limitations each
of us had had to struggle out of individually, negating or ignoring the call to an
awareness that no external means can ever produce…
*5-9-1981, Auroville:
Diane and I have our first big fight; it happens on the road as we are going for our
run, and I have to pus hand prod her a little, and she provokes me, and I slap her,
twice… She is stunned; and I am desperate!
I want her to be beautiful, to manifest her own harmony, to take care of herself, to
trust and respect herself, so that I in turn may honour her and relate to her as a
person… But she expects me to start from the beginning and to help her reach that
strength she needs; and I can’t: it is too passive, it almost repels me…
Yet I do want to help her, and to give her what she needs…
… We are called in the night to a field nearby where the SSJ’s group, through its
new German recruit, having purchased it, are now trying to start a new settlement;
4 carts have just come in and unloaded some materials; a few of us go over there I