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While I am resting, this afternoon, suddenly, You appear…! You are smiling, and
Your smile is so sweet, with a tinge of tender irony, so very present – and
seemingly ignoring whatever it is that obstructs me, my shortcoming and my “lies”,
yet knowing, knowing it all, but… divinely knowing, securely, in utter simplicity,
without any blame or reproach…
*29-10-1981, Auroville:
One of the topics at the general meeting today is… Matrimandir and the lack of
commitment: not a new topic! But, for once, there is something shared, as if
perhaps we were about to value, collectively, the essential importance of
Matrimandir… perhaps there is a chance. It is to be the main topic next week.
Perhaps Piero will accept to work on the completion of the Inner Chamber as a
priority…
I saw my past two years of wandering, as the evidence of this step had been
denied, as a kind of sinister burden just about to be lifted, and the inner certitude
ready to surge again of the imperious necessity for Matrimandir to BE and to
radiate… This is the key to the true growth of Auroville and the fulfilment of the one
wish You have expressed…
Even Diane felt this, for once!
… It has always been difficult for me to adjust to the rhythms of this “collective
being”; I have tried to be sociable and to accept, and to view my own intolerance
as something to offer and to change; I have tried to participate I the other aspects
of our life here… And I went down, each time more heavily, and was attacked…
I have seen a lot; I hope I have learnt my lessons…
But the central thing is still veiled: as long as each of us cannot freely go to the
given source of Change, the completed and active Matrimandir, our given focus of
growing awareness, and learn to refer all of life to It, we are bound to keep
wandering, each and all, and nothing stable can be achieved…
*1-11-1981, Auroville:
This morning I had to take Ruud down to see the doctor in Pondy, for a deep
infection he’s been having.
When I return I find that Diane is still closed and brooding, just because yesterday
night John H came to see me and she is jealous… We hardly talk for the rest of the
day.
And this evening it breaks out: she says she better packs up and leaves. She trusts
me so little and she keeps opening to that contrary pressure that is still on me, and
to provoke me with it…She does it again…
I take hold of her and shake her, desperately, shouting to her to stop, please to
stop; we both fall onto the floor, crying…
And then it is silent, for a long time.
We go to bed, quietly…
*5-11-1981, Auroville:
At the general meeting on Matrimandir this afternoon, G.M speaks up several times
and it is good. He is becoming firmer, and simpler, more confident in the validity of
his own experience. Al.B speaks too, and is able to channel a quality of energy that
reminds us all of those days when so much was poured on us, concretely, by You!
After many years of indifference, even of hostility, Matrimandir is again throbbing in
our midst, no longer secluded in the private experience of a few…
When Piero speaks, though, his own lack of faith becomes so visible…!