400 / 1424
400
… There is too much revolt in me, and too little respect and tolerance, too little
sense of natural fraternity…
*6-11-1981, Auroville:
Taking a walk together, we get into an argument. Diane reproaches me for
everything I do and feel with the workers, and complains that she has no space…
The way she speaks, it seems there is simply nothing she appreciates, it is all
negative…
I propose to her that I leave for a while, to give her that space and the time to find
out on her own whether, and how, she wants to live with me.
But she refuses, saying it is for her to go away.
And thus we move, in circles, till I tease her out of it and we can laugh…
… But this evening, I just have to go and find Yel, who is on-duty, and we meet,
like two soldier friends in times of war; blunt and yet sweet and caring…
*7-11-1981, Auroville:
I am reading “Le Sang de l’Espoir”, by Samuel Pisar, and it is a teaching! This IS
sharing! It makes me weep silent tears: this man’s experience is so humbling.
This single testimony is unique; it bears witness to the very worst as to the very
best in this “creation”, with at once a sober maturity and the candour of a child…
*8-11-1981, Auroville:
This Sunday has been for me fairly simple and quiet; I did the usual chores, and
went on reading Samuel Pisar’s book, meditating with it…
But tonight when I join Diane upstairs, she is harsh and bitter; she tells me she is
still planning to leave… I cannot answer. Then she says that she is not sincere, and
she goes downstairs to sleep alone…
*9-11-1981, Auroville:
I do not want to argue further. I feel ready to accept that I must be alone, rather
than to cause any suffering. But there is the child, and it is my chance to grow with
it.
Yet, if Diane cannot at all find here what she needs, it must indeed be better that
we part…
… At 9 am I go alone to attend the meeting that has been called of all those who
are willing to commit to regular work at Matrimandir. Many have come. Everyone
puts their name down; I put mine for the afternoons, except Thursday… Diane does
come, later on, but abstains.
And so, this afternoon, I go back to work at Matrimandir… I had wanted to return
within a collective movement, the expression of “us” and its practical commitment…
… Tonight Diane confronts me with my bisexuality. But what can I do?
I have never made any secret about it, it has always been plain for everyone to
see, I cannot deny it, negate it or make it vanish just for her sake!
And what does she know, what does anyone know, of what I go through inwardly?
Yet she goes on insisting and provoking me, till I can’t take any more and I again
get hold of her and shake her to make her stop… Then we move inside the house
and are able to talk more quietly, with more care…
… I cook the diner while everyone listens to the Agenda…