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But this was followed by a strange dream in which parts of Savitra and of a few
others were like… unmasked, and it was terrible…
At the dance class this morning, we all work with music, and I return from it all
happy; and here Diane and I are able to quietly walk around the house and see
together how we could build an extra room, harmoniously…
And tonight, as if it was a purposeful determination that drove her, she starts
winding the negative mechanics all over again… As I am still in excellent mood, I
manage to tease her out of it; but the unease has crept back in…
*26-11-1981, Auroville:
Diane is nasty this morning: she says it has to be “like that”, there is no other
way…
And perhaps I have finished with trying too…
I only feel an ever more imperious need to centre, fearlessly and, if possible,
lovingly…
*29-11-1981, Auroville:
John H has come to have dinner with us. Of course Diane is upset and makes that
clear as soon as he has left.
She then declares, semi-provocative, that she is now detaching herself from me…
When I fully agree and approve, she looks at me… We laugh!
And the night is tranquil…
*30-11-1981, Auroville:
Diane is lovely this morning when I return from “Last School”; she has dressed
nicely, ready for us to drive to Pondy, and it feels happy together…
… We go to our usual restaurant, near to where Krishna is staying, and Dom comes
to tell me that he’s had to leave in a rush to a special doctor in Madras, as he woke
up all swollen up from a new blockage of his kidneys… I get worried…
*1-12-1981, Auroville:
Tonight a big black rock has fallen on our way…
As most nights, several people come and listen to the Agenda, and John H is always
one of them. Diane has gone to “Dana”. It has rained, so everyone has stayed on a
bit longer, waiting for it to abate. John H is still with me I the house when Diane
returns. He leaves almost at once, but, that was it…! She starts, and goes on
pressing and pressing, and it brings me to a place I had never been, where I have
no control… I hit her.
The rest of me is watching, calm, but I am deeply moved by what I see in her eyes.
I know how important she is to me and yet here I am, shouting at her and hitting
her…
Silence falls.
I kneel at her feet, hugging her knees; she is immobile, her eyes very wide and
very alive…
Slowly we can smile, and move…
It is midnight when we go to sleep.
In the night, I suddenly hear things toppling down… I cautiously go down the stairs,
turn on the light: a long green snake is there…!