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*29-12-1981, Auroville:
At work this afternoon Anne came to tell me that Krishna wants to see me.
This evening I tell Diane about it, as we are getting ready to go down to
“Aspiration” with P, Jossie and the kids, to watch Satyajit Ray’s film; she has been
restless, moving away from me in a weird manner, and this has puzzled me as on
my side I have been aware of moving closer to her and of being happier… Her
presence, the life of our relationship, the coming of the child, all this has had a
clear effect on me and I have been opening to positive energy… Yet, tonight, faced
with her response, I feel a distance, and it begins to affect me…
*30-12-1981, Auroville:
When I return from the early-morning class, I find Diane looking so sad, but she
wouldn’t tell me about it…
It is only once she has left for work that it strikes me: she is in that state because I
am going to see Krishna…! Which means to her that I am still in need of friendship
other than what we have together…?
I try to lay it all in the Lord’s hands… and I drive down to Pondy to see Krishna.
He has gone through some substantial changes, and seems to be freed from much
of his outer turmoil. The doctors have found what is ailing him: the “sickle cell”…!
It is a mutant cell, passed on hereditarily, that creates, or generates, a different
kind of red cell equipped to resist and to fight paludism; it was first identified three
centuries ago in a black African man – that is at least what Krishna has understood
from the doctors’ explanation… In cases of high fever, under certain conditions of
shock, or at high altitudes, these red cells tend to proliferate so fast that they block
the oxygen supply in the blood and crowd up in the kidneys, which cannot filter
them any more; their shape is that of a thin crescent, so they tend to mass
together. There is nothing, it seems, that can be done, except to avoid extreme
physical conditions, and any kind of infection…
I am full of him, of the presence of him…
… But I have to work very hard to bring Diane back to trust, and to comfort her,
and to let her know I do want to continue with her… Something in her keeps saying
“No”. No…
… I become suddenly very tired…
*31-12-1981, Auroville;
Diane refuses to eat the lunch I have prepared.
I do not insist this time. We are two; there are two of us, and each of the two must
collaborate to this growing together…
But this, the last day of the year…! I don’t know!
And then it becomes so blocked, so absurd, so helpless and so bizarre too… She
packs off some of her things and makes to go away on her cycle… I catch hold of
her…
She weeps, a long time, in my arms…
She quietens…
And G.M rides in, to wish us for the New Year!
It is all so comic too, and we begin to laugh… And thus we make it…
A last tight turn of the year now gone…
Tonight we meet, and hardly sleep, and are ready to go to the Dawn Fire…