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There are moments when I feel a sort of healthy revolt surging, and something
straight affirms itself; but most of the time the mess of these formations lays on
me unmoved, unchanged…
But I want to make this place more and more beautiful, with a silent rhythm and
harmony of its own, a living poem built in Matter; even if at times it may feel like a
prison, still it says something I need to say, and it gives me a space to wait in, to
wait for You to change what I still am, to fill it up with consciousness and the
capacity to radiate…
*21-7-1981, Auroville:
I want to kiss Your feet. I want to serve You…
I so much miss the presence of conscious beings here! I suffocate in this morality of
the heart, in this transitional state that is so satisfied…
*22-7-1981, Auroville:
After the class with Coni at “Last School” I go, mid-morning, to join G.M, Chris,
Larry, Phil and M at “Aurodam” for weight-lifting… I didn’t know whether I’d be able
to do any, but it goes rather well…
Nath comes and spends the evening with me; she is lovely, but she lacks inner
stuff, and it feels a little pointless…
*23-7-1981, Auroville:
At the general meeting I hear, from Savitra of all people, that Diane has gone to a
hospital as she was “not feeling in good health”; this way I get the news: she has
decided for an abortion…!
… It all has a taste of… misery…
… G.M had known; he was angry at me for stepping back always, for shutting
myself in…
… In the night, I am struck by a dream-experience: I am pregnant; I deliver a
baby, smoothly; I am still a man, and there are people around me, astonished and
helpless; I do it all by myself and take the child in my arms, and our eyes meet
with love… Is it a boy? It has blue eyes, rather like mine, but a face of its own…
It upsets me very much: I feel all the weight of that rejection…
*25-7-1981, Auroville:
This morning at “Last School” I have an easier work-out with M.S and A.A; no one
else comes, and we feel free and joyful…
… At the Samadhi in the evening, I have an impression that the Two of You are
mostly concerned with the protection of the earth…
*28-7-1981, Auroville:
Sometimes I fear that Auroville is becoming a “cul-de-sac”, a dead end, an
impasse. Our humanity, built as it is on formations, turns against itself when,
having fully exploited and misused the “riches” and “resources” available, it is faced
with the imperative necessity of shifting into another consciousness… And the help
seems to have withdrawn…