385 / 1424
385
*17-6-1981, Auroville:
I sleep and sleep and sleep, letting go; little by little, tensions disappear; I do not
believe in “my will”: separation is so painful!
Perhaps I am sinking, but I know that the same Presence, as tangible, is also… at
the bottom…!
… When I go to E.B’s for my class, she tells me she has been “instructed” by Al.B to
lay “certain conditions” before me… People turn away from her, now that I come to
her place every day…
*18-6-1981, Auroville:
We attend the general meeting this afternoon. Financial guidelines are read out;
but now I wonder: no guidelines can ever replace consciousness – individual
commitment, honesty and transparency…
… I dreamt that the “Army” had come to “Sincerity” to take me prisoner, and I was
kept in a sort of loose jail for a long time: it was so vivid and so full of details and
so concrete that, when I woke up, I couldn’t believe that I was free, and at home…!
*19-6-1981, Auroville:
Mother, I have got nothing to give! I am poor, empty, and incapable of joy!
I don’t want to be a weight on anyone, Mother!
It is a cry of emptiness, a terrible need for Being, for Conscious Being…!
… This is the absurd, terrible status-quo: left hanging, forced to live, and to endure
the absence… I want to let go, to sleep, to sink until I do touch Something that
wants, that Wills, that Can!
Nothing makes sense, and yet… people keep moving, picking up scraps of
awareness… Is it worth one more life, one more waste of Matter…?
Nothing is yet truly born!
*20-6-1981, Auroville:
I am reading this wonderful book, “Timeless Way of Building”, which develops with
real intelligence an experience which has also been mine since I ever can
remember, about building; it is very sensitive, balanced and well-poised. This
reading, along with simple physical effort and discipline, helps me… Otherwise,
sometimes… I think it’d be cleaner for me to live in some big city, as a prostitute…
*22-6-1981, Auroville:
I have started running; the body is happy…
*21-6-1981, Auroville:
I didn’t know this morning that it would be my last class with E.B…
She came here this afternoon to tell me she didn’t want to continue: one more door
is shut… I keep quiet…
Am I false? Am I bad?
It’s like everything, everyone I touch, eventually hardens, rejects and closes
against me or attacks me angrily, with jealousy, and with hypocrisy…
I don’t know…
… Tonight, I go to Yel before his night-shift in the garden: I needed that embrace,
straight, that is not the soft, environing one of a woman…