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*24-6-1981, Auroville:
Today I decided to go to “Last School” – which is by general agreement reserved
for body-work, dance-classes, hatha yoga, etc – and see whether this door was also
shut… I meet A.M there, who is not direct, but makes me understand I cannot just
join the group-work… I persist quietly; he and J.Cl agree that I can come and work
alone early mornings… E.B is also there, and will not look at me…
… I feel almost like a visitor in “Dana” nowadays, and in Auroville in general; it is a
peculiar experience…
… These nights, since I have started to exercise daily, there is a tremendous energy
flowing, and my body seems to be opening to it from inside, enthusiast… It centres
me in a new way, a way that had been missing all along, joyful and simple…
*25-6-1981, Auroville:
Diane is probably pregnant. For the moment I feel like leaving it to her inner
wisdom to “decide”…
.. We attend the general meeting; it feels frighteningly hollow, everyone voicing
opinions, extolling morals, and no inner response, no ground to share a Need and
to grow together within It… And yet the majority seems to be satisfied…
G.M felt this too and he has come with us here and Barbara as well, and Krishna
joins us, and it is good to be here…
I am careful not to open mentally to depression, to remain centred and
concentrated in that physical sense of harmony and progress…
… I have so much energy in the night; it took me to New York again…
But Diane is feeling oppressed, and heavy…
*26-6-1981, Auroville:
This morning, after my lonely work-out, I go to Coni and ask her if I could join her
dance class, at least once a week, so that I can correct myself… She appears to
take it well…
*27-6-1981, Auroville:
I wept in my dream, before the lies of those people who have received so much
from You…
*28-6-1981, Auroville:
Diane has chosen to stop the pregnancy.
I have wondered a lot about this.
Tomorrow I am to take her to the hospital.
Sometimes I experience this contact with “Home”, with a region of consciousness
wherefrom I could call, with love, with all my aspiration…
But I would want to be surer that, in the formation of this body, there would be the
least possible interference from our own unresolved contradictions and the stuff
accumulated in our subconscious parts…
And what is missing here is that there was no shared choice at the moment of
conception…
*29-6-1981, Auroville: