590 / 1424
590
*27-10-1985, Auroville:
Every night seems to contain a mine of elements, but it is not clear what one is to
do with it or about it… Two distinct instances, last night: there is this extraordinary
woven cloth, so very beautiful, in a material I have never seen before, at once
loose and sturdy, and interwoven in it, in Japanese characters, is the word
“Peace”… And then I am in Brittany, in the shop of an old sage who knows the
secrets of the Mont Saint-Michel, the reality of the forces represented there and
their relations to the Hindu gods; and his own grand-daughter is there, whom I
meet and want to stay with me…
… I tried to go and visit with Barbara at her house… But, I can’t connect any longer;
not only have I nothing to say, but, in general with people now, when there is not
the presence of aspiration, or of some intensity of need, I feel utterly disconnected,
unrelated… The whole thing of “meeting”, of sitting together becomes unclear and
pointless…
The one thing that still draws a response in me is when there is some sexual energy
emanating in a diffuse manner, as is often the case with men here; but that is my
particular trouble, the thing I am not able yet to dissociate from…
… I see most of human existence as mechanics, now, the mere mechanics of living
in a shallow state of awareness – the mechanics of drawing on and being drawn on
by, forces and energies which, once exposed, cease to be convincing…
I can’t get past the realisation that, unless and until another Life comes forward
and manifests, even expressions of the psychic presence are bound to be misused
and swallowed up… I seem to be growing into some kind of frozen stone and it
scares me sometimes, but there is also a perception of being slowly shifting into a
position that… would connect to the other side of the Veil, but here itself – as if one
would eventually wake up in a reality that is filled, with That, right here… And that
only then will everything be reconciled and our very existence be justified…
*29-10-1985, Auroville:
With the work at “Ravena”, we are getting into more and more details as we
proceed, and it makes one giddy sometimes, seeing that Janaka must go back and
forth, sometimes twice a day, to communicate between D.M and I; but there is a
real process in it too, each of us being faced with one’s rigidities and preferences…
And in this way I am becoming increasingly involved, as if this external construction
was also the means of substantial progress for each of us and for us together… It is
quite beautiful…
… But I am still stuck with this sexual energy; it sits there, itself and unchanged,
and quite unwilling, and it seems to be only through lack of opportunities that I
remain “a good boy”, so to say…: protected despite myself, kept apart…
… I go through many states in a single day… Sometimes I feel so exposed, almost
endangered; or there are sudden difficulties that crop up, and they are not
mentalised; and flows of contact; and periods of dullness that are hard to bear…
*30-10-1985, Auroville:
The sun now travels at an angle and the light is golden white, crisp and revealing…
Today is Satprem’s birthday; I have been feeling it all day, even though I thought
we were the 29
th
…
Will You want me one day, in this life? Are You leading me towards a participation
in Your Work? Shall I ever reach a state of readiness, transparency and receptivity,
where it can really begin?