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face of it whenever it is triggered back through an actual contact in life… I suffered
hell in the years of my adolescence because of it and later on I had to keep
struggling with it and balance it with complementary or even opposite experiences,
but I have never been able to totally disengage myself from it, to step back from
the phenomenon itself… This seems to be the thing that still detains me, would
detain me even in death: I know it, I understand it, and yet I am still as helpless
before it…
… A few times, straight out from the centre like a direct ray of song, a free
utterance of the mantra has come – not in search for control, but as a simple
expression of a free state… I so much sense the absence of an active conscious
atmosphere, progressive and creative of the Way – as used to be Your physical
atmosphere -, and how much this is what I truly want, and how steeped I am now
in the inertia that veils or hampers it… And I can’t even ask for Your help in my
nature, so much I am identified with its separate yearnings…
*7-11-1985, Auroville:
I feel as if the will in me has been warped… like a ship without a rudder, or a body
without a spine…
*9-11-1985, Auroville:
I have sometimes this need or yearning to shift perspective and to look at our
condition from another angle: we are glued to Nature’s ways of channelling energy
through the centres, and vitally the process is so thick and gross and inevitably
mortal… And it is like I am at the same time aware, but in fleeting, un-caught
seconds – just a sense, or instant sight, almost a sensation – of the state that is
waiting to come forward, waiting for room to be made, for an assent that will be
substantial enough, and how it will amount in fact to a very slight shift of position…
And then the entire, crude process appears so ridiculous, so comic, so childish too,
and awkward; and there is, in that instant perception, like an echo of a loving,
radiating, free laughter, but it has also a quality, to our sense, to what we are now,
that is… a little frightening, scary, that inspires awe… And yet one senses too that
this is what one truly is: that I truly am one such being, over “there” and yet here,
hidden, knowing and loving and seeing… and awe-inspiring for whatever in oneself
has not let go of this human condition…
*10-11-1985, Auroville:
It rained all day, without a break… This afternoon I took a long walk, over to
“Ravena” to check on all the bunds and dams, and I found real cascades and water
falls, torrents rushing with enormous force…
*11-11-1985, Auroville:
I doubt my own life… And I see us, I see people ageing around me, and the stuff of
life in them has remained the same: just as pointless, hollow and uninhabited as it
ever was – or perhaps even worse because, with their mental aspirations or ideals
they may have imposed on themselves restrictions and orientations that have
deprived them of experience and left them with choices that are in themselves
powerless to change, unless they would have followed them far enough to reach
another state… It scares me…!