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know I wasn’t…! So, in that sense, and if that sort of confusion persists, then
obviously it would be better for her to cut the contact… I do not know…!
*22-11-1985, Auroville:
This desire, this yearning is still there… How did Sri Aurobindo go past and beyond
that? What did it become in Him? I so wish I had been born earlier and known Him
physically…!
… This afternoon I made a wonderful promenade with Samuel around “Ravena”, in
the canyons, and we found a place where there runs a real little river, of clear
water, and there was such a radiant light and such a lovely silence…
*23-11-1985, Auroville:
No call to speak of my “aspiration” these days… I am a mere puppet! It is just “N,
N”, which, how lucky for me, happens to be a most beautiful name for the Divine…
It’s “being in love”, like a young girl but worse, if only because I am a man, and 36
years old! It is ridiculous, I know; I am caught, I know; yet it is also sweet and
bears its own delight! A tormenting, disquieting, unsettling delight, but a delight all
the same; and I can laugh about it! It does not really bother me as long as I have
“things to do”, places to go, circumstances to respond to, or when I read Your
Agenda… But as soon as I am by myself, I just want to hold him, to feel his warmth
with mine, a purely animal comfort, and also a wanting to let go of the flow of
emotion that is stuck in me, in a free gesture of physical tenderness… There!
And there is every reason against it – would it only be social consideration, or for
the sake of the work at “Ravena”; but the one factor that stops me is the fact of his
not coming forward, not responding in a clear or definite way… There it is, Mother! I
am not hiding it from You anymore than I hide it from myself… What worries me is
that this stupid, imbecile breach in me will never heal, will never close in this life,
and that I will not be able to move beyond a point…
… The drilling crew had hit a fault in the sub-terrain, just below the top water table,
and they have been working since yesterday night at sealing it with clay, so they
could continue deeper towards the second aquifer; they finally succeeded in sealing
it, this afternoon, at 38 meters depth…
*24-11-1985, Auroville:
Something… You…? ...has made it a good day today, with a promise of light…
Already yesterday night, before sleep, I touched a sort of mechanism, which
became concrete and tangible, something I can work with, to achieve inner
freedom and living sincerity; and today I could start learning how to handle it
quietly…
… This evening I went to D.M in Pondy; she had prepared a gift for me, wonderful:
she’d had the gold band removed from the aquamarine that Diane had offered me
years ago, and in its place had had set for me… a sapphire! (This sapphire has been
with he a long time). She herself fixed it on my necklace chain… She had also
prepared for me a new tape of Abdul Karim Khan… She then spoke a long time on
Science and Medicine today, and how it has become the stronghold for the
Adversary… I am grateful for her, Douce Mère…!