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*10-12-1985, Auroville:
I do not find I am making any progress these days; time passes in a sort of cosy
physical ease, the material enjoyment of the pure light of day, of its cool glow, and
of being part and instrument of the realisation of a beautiful dream…
… Clearing up a pile of mail and papers, I read through some of my old journals,
from 1977-78… And it scared me a bit: how long, how many years will it take
before room is made for a temple, and for a concrete, living change and
Presence…? And it almost seems that at the time there was more aspiration in me
than there is now…! The atmosphere in Auroville was certainly different: we were
still somehow trying, and experiencing the sense of a shared adventure; and so
much of that is gone, now. It is very different… But also, it’s like all words have
become very misleading…
*13-12-1985, Auroville:
When I got up this morning – it was grey and drizzling and warmer -, I realised that
E.B was walking around the house waiting for me, and I had to tiptoe out till I was
ready to face her… I could see then no other solution than demonstrating a severe
and brutal attitude to jolt her out of this delirium and hearing voices she was lost
into; she was also physically ill with diarrhoea and I gave her medicine before
sending her away… But I am acutely aware that there is no one around – and I
doubt there is any one in the Ashram nowadays – who would have the ability to see
occultly what is eating at her and to help her get rid of it, or at least to understand
what she must do… She repeatedly complains of voices entering through the back
of her head, and of abrupt bursts where she looses all sense of proportion and gets
hooked up by the top, her feet dangling in the air, in a whirl of interpretations and
formations… Being myself so ignorant, I choose to keep addressing her as my
sister, who is being nasty or stupid and self-indulging, but it is clearly not enough…!
She responds to it in the moment, and is better off for a while, but once by herself
she does not have the inner space to go on fighting…
In this sort of situation one feels so inadequate and so profoundly ignorant and
impuissant… Psychology isn’t sufficient; gentleness does help, but solves not…
*14-12-1985, Auroville:
Being half-way is being in nowhere’ land, and worse: parts are resolved and ready
to receive, or to enter; other parts are still hooked onto the ignorance and not
giving up their separate sense… I feel almost ashamed of all that is given me, when
there is such misery in people, in beings… I feel ashamed of what even to myself
appears to be more harshness in me towards people… I have seen that most
people, when they reach a certain point in suffering, starve for human warmth and
proximity more than for anything else and… it doesn’t seem to be that way for me…
I can, and do starve for missing relationships, but, when I suffer, I starve most for
the harmony of the Presence…
It’s like today, after this episode with E.B, I felt in a mess and all mixed-up and
open to distressing perceptions of the general condition, sick with impuissance and
soiled, and what I most needed was to recover, like a plant, in a harmonious and
private context; the contact with people wouldn’t help then, but only aggravate…!
E.B came to me late this morning, haggard and scared… D had just confirmed to
me that she no longer wanted her in her house, and I realised that this couldn’t last
much further, what with her not eating properly and not sleeping, being out of
sedatives, she might go at any moment over the border… So I started to arrange