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belle, avec la présence droite dans ses yeux de son être intérieur, et cette
reconnaissance fraternelle du chemin…
… G.M has received a telex from Vincenzo, saying that he can have a 6 months
contract from January, back in Sudan; he wants to go; he believes it is necessary
for him to pull out, that this may be the only way to come out of the impasse he’s
been in…
*26-12-1985, Auroville:
I got tired of G.M and M’s story coming to me day after day; now that G.M has
decided to go back to work in Sudan, and M has now decided she will go to France,
the whole thing feels like ashes… I went alone to the Kitchen, to be away from
them and from Ar., who is again coming every day; but when I returned, both G.M
and M were waiting for me; so I had to tell them frankly how I felt about it all… It is
always the same with me: either I am too open and too available, or else I
withdraw too much and cannot maintain even basic warmth and welcome…
*30-12-1985, Auroville:
I have now seen more clearly what it is that makes it difficult for me to be at all
times available to Ar., and it is very simple: her consciousness, her awareness,
does not reach; it nests itself and wraps itself around a part of “me” only, and this
is not and cannot be my base in life…! In that sense, the woman who reaches the
most centrally is D.M…
… This trip in the Madras city has been tiring and tedious; Jagannathan is no better
than me there; he is scared of the traffic, doesn’t know his way around and is
treated like a peasant by the street people; we managed, though, to do most of the
purchases…
… It seems, and it feels like, until You came and brought the Will for
Transformation, nobody, no one at all, had ever considered the task it meant, its
enormity or complexity or immensity; it’s like, up until then, all revelations, all
intuitions, and all knowledge, were obtained or received from a certain threshold on
the way upward, so to speak, but never anyone had attempted even just to
measure the scope of the work to be done so that the Divine could become
manifest in Life and in Matter… It feels as if there had only been so far a sort of
“mystic bavardage”, which was satisfying as long as one was not committed to a
real, actual change, and it now appears as mere pretence and hollow words… But
actually calling the Truth, calling the Divine here itself in our very substance, one
begins to sense what it means, at all levels…
It seems that the more the central need is rooted, anchored in integrality, and the
more one is confronted with all that prevents, with all the “impossibles” inherent to
our condition and substance…
To take but one example, that or attempting to truly communicate with another
human being, another individual consciousness, raises such an amount of issues
and reveals such a complex reality…
… I want to become able to follow in Your steps, Mother; anything that can
contribute to my growing capable of that is and will be welcome, whatever it may
be…
For humanity, I am useless. For the Divine, I am useless – for opposite reasons, it
would seem…This point of consciousness “I” am is an absurdity, and will remain an
absurdity, as long as it does not belong entirely to You…