610 / 1424
610
… I am reading, on C’s request, a book called “Moksha”, written recently by an
Indian psychoanalyst, Sudhir Kakar, as she wishes me to tell her about it so she
can progress in her own work… It is perhaps interesting but this sort of study,
amounting to a rather risky gymnastic, makes me all the more grateful, if ever I
needed to be, for the grace of being Yours, of knowing the Two of You…
*31-1-1986, Auroville:
Ar. stayed for a quiet dinner… The speech made by Gorbatchev, with his proposal
for the complete cessation of armament, has greatly impressed us…
*8-2-1986, Auroville:
G.G and S invited me to sit with them at the Kitchen: they had met with Roger A
and been convinced by his vision of Matrimandir’s external appearance, and they
both wanted to tell me about it…
I feel myself as a weird person sometimes, communicating so seldom and having so
little to contribute…
*9-2-1986, Auroville:
I had agreed to let N take me to a “real” Tamil movie; so I picked him up in the
evening and we drove down to Pondy and saw a film with a famous Tamil actress
who is beautifully shown fighting better than a man, representing justice and purity
in a way half-magical and half-humorous; it was interesting to watch, but I could
not stand the noise from the audience, and we got out at the interval and went for
dinner in a quieter place and rode back… My own desire for a physical harmony with
N had to be offered into something else: the sweetness there is between us has to
be sheltered and protected into a relationship that to him seems to be almost
sacred…
I returned here to read Your Agenda…!
*10-2-1986, Auroville:
It is as if Someone was slowly but patiently, steadily filing away at my manacles;
and at times, like today, it feels like they are just about to give; there is hardly
anything left to hold me… Yet they are still there, and I am still a slave…!
In spite of the fever I want to “Ravena” as usual, but returned mid-morning, and
was surprised to find I waiting for me… And so it happened, even though there is
simply no way we can consciously communicate; there is such a sweet abandon in
him… It was more of a parody, awkward and so limited; yet the range of emotions
is there, and it is straight and real and lasting…
And then Kenneth came, asking if he could stay in C’s house for some time…
Then Ar. came and wanted to accompany Samuel and I back to “Ravena” for the
afternoon; I said, alright, but I apprehended the confusion it might create: I cherish
these afternoons alone with Samuel, this is the one relationship I have where I feel
happy and alive and willing… A child of 2!
*11-2-1986, Auroville:
I was at “Ravena” till 5pm; Forrest and Marti came – a weird couple – to investigate
about large birds swarms in the area, as they want to produce a “scientific report”